With Love from Sumy

I've moved on....

2011-06-11T09:24:00.001-07:00

....if you have followed my blog but are not aware that I changed to a different blog and would like the link to that one, email me at beemommy58@gmail.com and I'll hook ya up! Thanks for reading

Change o' plans

2011-03-05T07:01:00.000-08:00

I went back and forth over spending 80 dollars on one day of mickey fun or going to the beach with my hotel mates... the RAD should have had MOMS under it....WE are visionaries, awesome and on a daily basis...slightly or more than slightly, demented. We went to Cocoa Beach....

Last night I met the RAD version of Rock Stars....felt like I should be asking for autographs but the hugs were just right.

It's the Happiest Place on Earth!!

2011-03-04T05:47:00.000-08:00

I'm here, I'm here! Stayed last night with Gala , Lisa her friend and Amy . Today, I'm meeting up with Melanie at the main gate of Disneyworld. See this kid? She better stay as far away from this lady as possible.i.am.on.vacation.

Ewwwwww, disgusting!!!

2011-02-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

My son shared his blogger blog link AND password with one of the patients at the psych hospital he's at. This boy is now back in San Antonio and because my son asked him not to call him anymore, he hijacked my son's blog and uploaded some very gory photos of mutilated bodies. Added Marilyn Manson who I think looks like he's been mutilated. And emailed me some porn. Nice. Look buddy boy, if I want porn, I'll get my own thank you, you little asshat. Social worker is aware and is contacting this boy's mom. Hello, parental controls? This is the same boy that my son found out did not hit like a girl and put 9 staples in my son's head. (Well, he didn't actually put the staples in but his punch made them necessary. Turns out girls must hit pretty damn hard! Maybe it's time to threaten prosecution........

How many feet in a yard?

2011-01-24T16:47:00.000-08:00

Depends on whose yard it is. Yep, sometimes kids just keep you going with laughter. Short, short post but had to share. Going to grade writing benchmarks. Thinking about calling in sick...for the rest of the year.

What I need to do and what I am doing....

2011-01-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow night we have a "mini" open house at school. Forty five freakin' minutes long of kids dragging their parents to show them around. The same kids who are doing well. Not the families of the kids who are struggling. I have an ARD meeting (Special Ed. Admission Review Dismissal...we are so all about acronyms...here's one DILLIGARA Do I Look Like I Give A Rat's Ass?) which means no planning/prep time. Have tutoring which I did not want to sign up for but was guilted into because no one wanted to work with some of my crew. And, substitute plans for two days for two separate school meetings. Guess I better get off of my fat ass and go work. Whine...whine...whine...can we just extend the Orlando dates forward....please? By the way, what do you wear to a "Daddy's Getting Out of Prison" party? And do I take a gift? Oy, teaching is sure different these days.

But on the plus side (see, still procrastinating) my son sounds positive these days. I'm trying to just hold onto that and savor it.

Couch25k

2011-01-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

It appears there is evil in our midst.....or at the bare minimum, insanity. I am very lucky to be going to Florida in March....already thinking ahead to those cool ones icing down by the pool. To luxuriating in waking up late while a sub ~~tames~~ teaches my students. Heavenly thoughts of chocolate tantalizing me. Praying for swimming to be only at night and that the owners will not have a problem with a "broken" pool light. Then Corey, sweet, snarky, man-her-family-should-be-so-proud-of-the-type-of-woman-she-is Corey, brings up the dreaded "r" word....which followed the also feared number 5 and capital K. geeewhiz.....so I looked up this website called couch25k which means moving from a couch potato to running a 5 K race....in nine weeks. Whooops, there aren't nine weeks left until Orlando, drat, if only someone had mentioned this 5K business a week ago. I.hate.peer.pressure.especially.positive.peer.pressure....I'm not signing up....yet. I'm really afraid it would take me so long to run (HA! ME? RUN?) it that the school year would be completely over before I got to the finish line. Hmmmmmm, there's a thought.

Progress...it takes so little these days

2011-01-02T16:54:00.000-08:00

Everyday, I call my son. At 6:30ish. We just got off of the phone after about ten minutes of conversation. I didn't cry, realized I had not cried after a conversation with him for many weeks now. It is a progress of sorts. Appears we're both more used to the separation. Not the kind of progress I particularly like but when I consider the tears that used to flow near the end of each conversation, sometimes mine, sometimes his, sometimes ours....at least he was ready to go watch the movie, at least he was not stressed out, at least he had not been restrained, at least he had not had to have a PRN med and most importantly, he's ending each conversation with,"Allright Mom, I love you, bye."

How the Grinch REALLY stole Christmas....or, Little Cindy Lou Who, cover your ears

2010-12-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

Holidays suck for our kids. They just do. If you believe that you are lower than low, badder than bad, then you quite simply do not deserve good things or good times. So sayeth the RAD.ling. There are too many stressors in his world: Christmas was coming with not one but two socials, impending visit from the mama (me) , the great missing UPS package of gifts from home (found and delivered), possible placement at an RTC in west Texas which would probably be just what he needs but is a change and a complete rearrangement at the hospital which would lead to reshuffling the patients in his unit particularly. Add the night staff allowing him to open and swallow five packets of sugar with a syrup chaser and you have a 5'5", 125 lb. hyper, anxiety ridden boy. He hit, bit, broke lights, broke windows, made a "shank" out of a piece of plexiglass which he threatened to use on the staff.

The staff has bent over backwards to try to reduce the number of restraints as he appears to be acting out to be restrained. I think they're bending over too far and the amount of control he's having is adding to his anxiety. One of my reasons for maintaining this blog is to communicate with other RAD.ical parents and as a journal. I've just been sitting here and while typing realized...he wants deep pressure, he's needing that sensory healing. What if they provided it on a routine basis? What if? I also informed him I would not come to visit for awhile. That sucks for me but right now, it's in his best interest. Like so many of our kids, he cannot tolerate anticipation.

Top picture, last Christmas, just playing around but scarily foreshadowing....Bottom picture, this past Mother's Day and much more like herself.

Then, there's my mom. Last year, my mom seemed to head directly into dementia overnight. She was 77 at the time and had always been the rock. If families had alpha members, she has always been the top dog. Suddenly, she was not coherent but still had those steely blue eyes that led to confessions for which we'd not even done the crimes just to get her to turn them off of us. She was pissed, she didn't need to be in some blankety blank hospital and just wanted to be home with her animals. She was getting the hell out of there and no, it being 1:30 am was not a problem. Turns out we had two events in play: she had had a stomach virus and as a nurse, opted to pass on taking her meds as they would not stay down anyway. Turns out you cannot do that with steroids. Cold turkey means something akin to drunkenness. Also, and this one is big when elderly have a urinary tract infection, one of the primary symptoms can be a temporary dementia. I saw Marty mention this in her post about her mom. Had we not experienced it, I would have sworn to all that is holy that my mom had had a stroke, a brain tumor or skidded directly into Alzheimers. The doctor even asked us how long she'd had dementia and I said, "Umm, since Saturday?" Well, seeing as how Jan.2nd is the anniversary for this episode, Mother started up again. She refuses to go to the hospital, she simply "messed up" her meds. We've had to take that over and I feel sad, bad and mad. I don't want to see this strong, wonderful woman lose her independence but it had to be done. She had not been taking her steroids again and was taking Flex.eril, a muscle relaxer AND sleeping pills. Thank God after a few days of receiving appropriate meds in the appropriate order, she is coming back. I am thankful that we were able to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together.

What to say...what to say...

2010-12-23T16:41:00.000-08:00

I check my blog daily. I guess I'm hoping some days it'll write itself. Naw, I'm checking my blog links. Then I looked and realized that I hadn't posted in a month. Not much happening here. We are in a holding pattern. The first RAD residential place passed on A because he's almost 14 and their limit is 13 so he'd have to be moved. That and the false sexual allegations against other patients was worrisome. So, they suggested we try one that's in Texas (Texas is a big state though and this one is on the border with New Mexico) and uses the positive peer culture program. We'll see. He's getting pretty darn institutionalized though lately, his conversations have been very reflective. So, here's a reflective look back at some of his Christmases with us. Hoping everyone has a blessed and CALM holiday season.

What's 65 inches tall and feels wonderful?!

2010-11-23T16:55:00.000-08:00

My son! Drove the seven hours there yesterday for a surprise visit. (Like so many radalicious kids, anxiety ramps up with too much of a head's up about a good thing.) It was very, very hard to not hug him when he asked for it...just couldn't after being slugged in the face during the last visit, the first weekend of June. His affect barely changes at all just before he strikes, there's not a huge build-up so you can't prepare for it. We visited across a table with three guys sitting stand-by to make sure he didn't harm me. Finally, he asked if I could please hold his hand. Mind you, my baby boy is now an inch taller than me, his voice is starting to get lower, and there's even an Adams apple beginning to appear. But when he asked that question with tears in his eyes, well, I just needed to touch him for him and for me. I made a stipulation that he sit on his butt and pull up to the table so that if he were to decide to get physical, he'd have to push his chair back and that would signal me to back up.

I rubbed his head. I rubbed his arms and we both just sobbed. I hate RAD! I hate PTSD! Most of all, I hate the people that did this to this child. It was so hard to leave and begin the seven hour drive home. It's even hard to type this. You shouldn't have butterflies in your stomach before you see your own child. And you shouldn't have to leave him behind. But, I'm grateful for the folks where he's at. It was so comforting to see him in the arms of the social worker, his hospital mama.

I guess RAD lives ARE like a car wreck...

2010-11-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

Last week, my class made Idiom posters. I like how idiom and idiot are spelled almost exactly the same. One of my students did "rubber neckers". Our lives attract a lot of these....guess we've seen too much reality tv to get our jollies off of what used to shock us so we go to peoples' blogs and these kind of accidents we can actually get involved in. I've now, just this week, had two of my favorito blogs go private. I'm not sure why Jennie's has but I can bet it's something similar to why Tudu's did...rubber neckers sticking their neck in where it doesn't belong. People who don't want to take in traumatized kids but sure want a say so in how they are parented. I've said it before and I'm saying it again, ignorant people suck.

Please pass this on.....she may be only three people away from her own mama

2010-11-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

http://creatingmyownlittlenirvana.blogspot.com/2010/11/god-asked-me-to-post-this.html

Saw this on Keri's blog. If you have a blog or facebook page, please pass this on. If you know of someone who is in the process and about paper-ready....Lord, please give her a family to love her.

I once read that you are usually three people away from your heart's desire...someone who knows someone who knows someone.....

When Did You Choose to Be Straight?

2010-10-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

Saw this on facebook....great point.

Anyone going to Orlando wanna go on a roller coaster? Or ten?

2010-10-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

I mean real ones...not the RADical ones we've been riding. I'm going to land in Orlando on Thursday and plan to go to Universal Studios on Friday for about four hours. Would love me some company!

I'm so going to ride this one!

This one might be good...meh, little bit boring maybe.

Not a ride at all, just looked warped....something I'd like.

I am not going to talk about something positive...nope, not gonna do it!

2010-10-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

Because we all know that if you do, expect the big ol' crazy train to come roarin' through. I will simply say that I appreciate the prayers and kind thoughts. Keep 'em coming. Corey says it's just over four months till Orlando, can't wait!

Power to the purple, people. Had no idea my one purple shirt was so raggedy ass but whatever. It's the meaning and the message that mattered. Don't know how many kids in a K-5 school would even be aware but with staff that is GLBT, it's important to support. Like my poor ol' shirt says,"Love One An Otter". (Monterey California souvenir)

BTW, the current medi cocktail is Concerta, Intuniv and Lithium if that helps anyone. But I still ain't sayin' nothin'.

Because it looks like we need this....

2010-10-12T03:23:00.000-07:00

The great news is that there is a whole bunch of these from the funny people at BBC One on youtube

And....now, he's not

2010-10-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

I knew when my husband called me at work (school) that something was up. It appears the boy has had two really good weeks and he'd had a long talk with the social worker at the psych hospital he's been at for a bit over six months. He told her he really misses me and his life outside of the hospital. Do I dare hope? Could Lith*um, Conc$rta and In tu niv be the magic mix? Yes, I know meds can't do it all. So she called my husband and talked to him and he called me. I tried to call at the set time but no one answered so I just went,screw it. More games. Appears the phone in the patient area is not working. He called me from the RN's office. He sang a song from the Wedding Singer to me about growing old together. Ummmm, fraid I have quite the jump on him there.

This all sounds like really good news...especially when he said,"I never thought I could get better. I'm feeling happy inside." But, I'm just ducking and waiting for the shit storm. I want to believe. I want to have hope. For him. Regardless of whether he is ever able to live at home with us...for him I pray there is healing to live a life outside of an institution.

I'm torn. It's the answer to prayers, maybe, but I am so not in a place where he could come home. Damn you RAD and PTSD, you too GAD....and NOS, I'd like to punch you! Afraid of my own child. And frankly, enjoying being able to sleep with both eyes closed. But dad gum, it was so good to hear his voice again. It's been a long few weeks. Good thing I really love roller coasters!

And....he's done.

2010-09-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

It is possible and maybe even likely that I will get a call in a week or two or three where my son says,"I just couldn't do it." But, as for him after singing happy birthday to me last Thursday evening and then saying,"F You!" whereupon my shocked self just said," Oh, okay." And then I hung up on him. I have not talked to him until this evening. I did not call him. I called and talked to the RN on duty to just check. Here's where I made my stupid mistake...."If you think he'll be okay with it, would you tell him I called?" Oy, how lame. So, he calls me via the nurse's phone and informs me that he is sorry for saying that to me on his birthday but that he's hit a kid in the face and been restrained all because he keeps having thoughts about hurting me. And, he says he's done.

So, you know what? I'm done. I'm done being a mat for him to choose to wipe his feet on or not. I'm done trying to fix things for him and trying so hard to do the impossible...I cannot undo what others have done. I cannot make his world better by sending him care packages, photos, making him a tshirt to sleep in with scanned photos of us on it (his request). I don't know if it's my love for him that is threatening.....if it's that I "look like the people in the orphanage that hurt him" or if it's just that I'm not the right kind of mom for this boy. I don't know. I do know that I love him and always will. I do know that he's in my prayers from morning to night. And in my dreams. I do know that he's my son. I do know that I will continue to do things to advocate for him without actually contacting him. Now, what do I do? Do I write him a Dear Boy formerly known as my son letter? Do I give him what he's not asking for but is insisting on...his wings? It's so hard...if he were normal, this would be a no brainer. I guess. But, if he were normal, I wouldn't be writing this now would I? I'm so glad I have Campapalooza this weekend.....and yes, I've already bought the beer...two kinds and neither one has Bud in it. Who knew?Although, I'm still lookin' for these fountains at school.I've heard a vicious rumor they're right around the corner from the Xanax salt lick.

Sometimes, I feel like a walking cautionary tale.....

2010-09-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

Last night, I met C & N http://ranchchico.blogspot.com/ and Christine http://welcometomybrain.net and Mary http://muddlingthroughmayhem.blogspot.com/ (wow, at least before I hit publish....the linky thing is working out well! So much for that.....not ONE of the links worked. boo ). Anyway, listening to them discuss some of the very inventive and entertaining therapeutic parenting strategies they've employed, I couldn't help but look back.....If you've seen some of Christine's youtube videos you know that she has this TP thing (that would be therapeutic parenting, haven't asked her about her personal hygiene) down. She lives it! Of the four families represented, Rancho Chico and Welcome to my Brain are both representing homeschooling. I realize now that when my son made his biggest leaps towards anything resembling healing, it was when he was being homeschooled...by me. I.hated.it. Not every minute of it, when we did outside, naturey things, it was pretty cool. But...it also meant that I never got a break. N and Christine, my hat is totally off to you, and I wish I didn't need to work financially but it is what it is. To be quite honest, looking around the table and seeing women who were raising not one but two or three RADical , RADiant kids and I couldn't manage to keep one in our home and safe. Sucks. Some days it feels like my life purpose is to provide others the reason to count their blessings. Totally sucks. But hey, if knowing about our path down that slippery slope guides any one person to love and cherish their child(ren), neuro typical or not, then it's not completely in vain. Still sucks.

An Orlando /Corey Waters reunion question

2010-09-19T03:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone else want to go to Di$ney for the day on Friday? I'm flying in Thursday evening, will have a rental car. So, for those of you that are not in the advance group who will already be at the villa....anyone want to spend like a 1/2 day at Disney or some other attraction without kids? All my memories of the mouse and his kingdom with my son are somehow "radicalized"...would like to be happy at the happiest place on E@rth.

he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me......

2010-09-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight my little man called me. Good talk and he's sounding so grown up! (Hormones...voice getting deeper.) Mainly though, I think I may just have hit on something. It came from PissyLand. I got tired of him not answering my phone calls and emailed his social worker there at the hospital that I was tired of it and would not be calling every night, hoping against hope that he'd answer the damn phone! So, I told her that he could be in control of which nights but I was in control of how many. Three per week. And, that I'd call once and if there was no answer, I wouldn't call back until the next designated night. Hmmmmm, haven't talked to him since Friday and suddenly he calls me. He's on Intu*niv, was on the non-extended release, generic type before but it bottomed out his blood pressure so they stopped it. Hopefully, this will work out.

He was making sense. He was not raging, I was not a f-ing anything. He was very clear that he'd been trying to get ahold of the CPS social worker, his attorney ad-litum and advocate because he feels he's receiving no true help there. He's getting no "talk" therapy so he feels he's not getting therapy. I've been so freaking snowed-under with learning the ropes at a new school along with dealing with some princesses with major attitude there, that while I've missed talking to him...I haven't missed being verbally abused by him. Today, I actually stated this word to one as she went past my class which was not walking up the stairs completely silently and she said to the teacher next to her that she couldn't hear her. (It was accompanied by an extreme eye roll and jerk of the head, not exactly discreet.) I just looked at her and said,"Rude." See, I'd already spent my entire planning period filling in an online form for investigation for one student who happened at lunch, to swallow the entire contents of three tiny packs of a preservative clearly marked "Do Not Eat" while his fellow fourth graders while concerned did nothing to alert the "adults" on lunch duty. Fortunately, the preservative is not toxic. Unfortunately, this child's home life is. He is one of eighteen kids in my class that sounds like the twelve days of Christmas....Six children with Dyslexia, five kids for speech, three with emotional disturbance and a pair of kids pulled for resource. Ya'll, I am NOT special ed certified, I am NOT trained for work with Dyslexia (except for the training of my own two personal kids who have Dyslexia) and I am NOT trained or certified as a behavioral specialist. I am a general ed classroom teacher. Able to switch hats in a single bound. I can move my bulk with the speed of lightning if one kid so much as looks at another like they're even thinking of being inconsiderate and cruel. God help them. My native american name for our unit on Texas Indians is Mother of Many....oy.

It amazes me that he can still hurt me so much...

2010-08-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

I have started teaching again. Even though I've only been out for four years, I slept a lot in that time and learning a new district, a new school's procedures, etc. AND being asked to be team leader even though there are two teachers that were there in that grade level last year...awkward. To say I've been sinking under all the "new" would be a gross understatement. So last Thursday night right after leaving "Meet the Teacher" night, I called my son. It was eighteen minutes past when they usually turn off the patient phones so when he answered on the first ring, I exclaimed," I'm so glad you answered the phone!" Geez, I thought that was a positive but I guess I forgot that he doesn't hear with a neurotypical brain. He heard," Well it's about time you answered the phone." From there I became a F-ing A$$hole at which point I hung up. I emailed his social worker there and stated that I would not be calling him again until he called me to apologize using the staff phone (always on speaker phone) so that I would be less likely to be treated to a barrage of phone calls laced with profanity. I said it, I meant it and I did it. So, this evening while I was still at school doing all the lovely Team Leader things in addition to my own work with five students with Dyslexia, two with learning disabilities, three kids with speech therapy schedules, one that's full time inclusion, etc. and my cell phone showed "Unknown" meaning it was the staff phone, I answered it.

He apologized but with prompting. Then he very calmly and slowly said that he thought we should just sever ties. He wants to call his social worker for the county and have her talk to the judge about just "getting our hands out of his life". Basically it was a Dear John phone call from my son. All I can say is that it's a good thing I have five students with Dyslexia, two with learning disabilities, three kids with speech therapy schedules, one that's full time inclusion, etc., because if I didn't, I would have a lot of time to sit.think.rinse.repeat.

I do have three theories.....1.) This is a coping mechanism for dealing with having lived in an institutionalized setting for almost a year and we come up on that anniversary on September 2nd. 2.) The Adderall that I told the RN had led to depression and suicidal thoughts in kindergarten is a factor 3.) He really does not love me as he stated. I vote for #1 or #2 as anything else is too painful. Unbelievable! In one breath he calmly states that he's thought about this for a long time and he just doesn't feel anything for me and in the next, he says that he's afraid if he comes home he will hurt me again physically or with words.

Got wisdom? I sure don't. Corey, can't we move that there reunion up to this weekend? I need me some mamas that "get it".

And so, now he knows....

2010-08-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

My son had an older half brother in Ukraine. He died in 2005. Alex knew he died and that he'd had tuberculosis. What he did not know was that Misha committed suicide. at the age of eleven. He did this because once their sister was adopted and his mom had chosen not to relinquish him when she did the other two, he felt hopeless. Living with his alcoholic mom and his uncle/step father (my son's birthdad's brother) was unbearable. I did feel it was extremely pertinent for Alex's history I provided for the psychiatrist and the therapists. What I did not expect was to hear my son ask me,"Why did my brother kill himself?" It appears that a staff member allowed him to read his history. This is at a state hospital. Got Hippa? I am so sad that my son had to learn information that can do him no good. This place has been and continues to be top notch outside of this and one other minor incident.

Please pray for my son and his brother. Misha was just too gentle, too good, for this world. Pray also for "Janet" if I ever see her there.

For today, he's doing okay. That has to be enough for now.

2010-07-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well, my big plans to wait until my son chose to call me fell flat. After not hearing back from the social worker for two days (she is THAT good that I felt something was wrong), I decided to call anyway. He answered right away and my mama's intuition this time was dead on....the social worker had been out sick and my concern over not calling him and having him think I don't want to call him if he'd not gotten my message from the sw was valid. Got that? I believe in the classroom we call that a run-on sentence, in fact this one could have thrown shoes on and run with Ali and Corey.

So, for today, he's doing well. He's talking about instances where he's walked away when having thoughts of striking out at people. He's doing his neuro exercises on his own because he believes it helps, and that is half the battle. I don't know how we will do it if he does come home...he cannot go to the school here, there is no way. Too many triggering kids that get a kick out of watching him blow. It is possible that I might be able to get him into the focus program in my new district, but really, it'll be at least six months if not longer before it's even a remote possibility.

My therapy these days includes walking, walking the dogs, gardening, and taking photos. Thank God for our sweet daughter Hannah. Sad to say but this is the difference between adopting an infant at birth who has had nurturing from the get go as opposed to a child who underwent trauma......the difference is so huge. (She actually looks a bit evil in this picture. The text that goes with all the Woodstocks wearing sunglasses is basically how much she brightens our lives.

When they don't respond

2010-07-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

Having another "drought" concerning phone calls. He's choosing not to answer the patient phone when I call at the set time periods. So, I've sent an email that I will not call until he gives the word via his social worker that he's interested. He did tell me on Wednesday, that he'd told the CPS social worker that he wanted a new family, one that only has a man in it. (He tends to hit women.) I'm sure there's a huge line of single men out there just waiting to adopt a boy with RAD, PTSD, etc. I know my love is threatening to him but I simply cannot turn it off.

Picture of my dad with Hannah, fifteen years ago. I wish my son had been blessed with the same beginnings.

I thought I'd died and gone to Hades...

2010-07-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

Drove my mom and my older sister to a small town near Palestine....Texas that is, not the other one way over the pond. We stayed at my great uncle's farm in what basically seems to me to be a out west style whore house. (Not that I've ever been.) Oy, dark, dark wood furniture bought in Mexico back in 72. Red carpet with dark wood spindles ....I expected Marshall Dillon to pop out at any moment. My great uncle Howard is a sensitive man. He's also stuck in the 40's. This man will be 90 in September and he remembers every name, place,etc. of each deployment he had in World War II. He obsessed so much about his wife Mary (she died in 97) that he did this: that dark square is the original piece. It's a sweet gesture but I would have hated to have been their child and try to compete with the height of pedestal he put her on. She was sweet and never did understand it.

Her grave is in the wrought iron fence behind the sidewalk. Their son died in 2007 and is buried there too. Below is the high school my grandfather, grandmother and their siblings went to. Now, it's the East Texas Cultural Center.

It appears that turning fifteen is too wearing to wake up for . Caught these cows cooling off in the pond and startled the cow birds too.

It appears I come from some pretty sarcastic stock. Story went like this: My great, great uncle Earl, Aunt Mabel or Myrtle (one of the twins...not sure which) took the boys (that would be my grandfather and his two brothers) camping. This was in the late 20's. The tent was full of mosquitoes so someone had the idea to build a cedar fire and smoke 'em out. Which they did, along with themselves. After everyone got settled again to go to sleep, a lightning bug came flying through. Earl commented," Fellas, we might as well give up. Now, they're bringing lanterns to find us." Uncle Howard would get so tickled at the punch line, he could barely get it out.

Oh, why the Hades title....NO cell phone reception, NO internet except through my cell phone and that was rare. I did enjoy getting to see my grandfather as a child through his little brother's memories.

Staples...they're not just for paper anymore!!

2010-07-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

On Monday night, my son had nine of these things put into his head. It appears that while you can dance on the very last nerve of the adults and they cannot touch you (unless you happen to be a substitute staff at Austin State Hospit@l) that the same rules absolutely do not apply to the other boys who are there who've also been deemed manifestly dangerous. My son now knows that unlike his suggestion to the new boy that he hits like a girl, he does NOT. Punched him in the mouth and as he flew backwards, he hit his head on a chair rail corner and busted it open. I received a phone call from the social worker while they were at the ER. My phone cut out and when I tried to call back, got no answer....seems the boy thought I'd hung up on him (what? where in these comments: "I'm so sorry this happened....." does it sound like a precursor for hanging up) and he threw the social worker's cell phone across the room.

Oh, and he's filing assault charges against the boy. It's okay for HIM to hit staff and his mom, but .....

Celebrate! Kinda sorta

2010-06-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

My son hasn't been restrained since Sunday. Amazing how little it takes to get me excited these days. Yep, still have my razor sharp biting wit...Honestly, I'm happy for him and the staff that he's had four days without restraint. So, while I'm sorta sarcastic about it, it is something to celebrate. Looking forward to celebrating the one week of no restraints mark. I'm going to buy myself a special beer for that day.

I may look okay on the outside...

2010-06-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

Friday night, I had finally convinced my husband to go out with my friends and I. We did have a good time.

But, it always feels like a missing limb to not have my son around. It ALWAYS feels like there was more I could do to keep him in the home...even when everyone around us says,"You could not have done more and you went way beyond what most mothers would do." I don't want to be like most mothers...I wanted and want to be a super mom, able to tackle RAD in a single bound, able to undo years of abuse with a single hug and consistent parenting. Don't get me wrong, I would be lying if I said I didn't appreciate the idea that we can go out without expecting a phone call to come home or the simple fact that we can even plan to go out and have the energy to do so. It's like trading custody in a divorce, at least some time you get time for yourself. But, that time comes nowhere near the knowing that he's asleep in his own bed....the times of back scratches and rubbing his head. Sorry, Father's Day sucks for me, missing my dad and my son. This too shall pass....Father's Day that is. Boy howdy, I sound like such a verklempt fool! Okay Jeri, put your big girl britches on and go outside and make something good happen....big baby!

Alex, eleven months, the day they were put in the orphanage permanently.

Meeting my parents for the first time. He was my dad's little buddy.

First family Christmas party with him...home three weeks.

May of 2001, first trip to the river in Wimberley.

Lake Erie outside of Cleveland, Ohio, July 2001.

Halloween, 2002.

Court Today.....same ol', same ol'........

2010-06-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Today was our basically quarterly CPS court. It's where the room is full of attorneys ad litum, CASA guardians, CPS workers and foster parents. Oh, and a few parents who are actually doing what they need to do in order to get their kids back. Although in one case today, I think the father would have done well to take out his forehead piercings and the mother should have maybe not worn her Hooters tank top...I'm just sayin'. It's like one of the times where you might want to not have cleavage and spill over happenin.

The amazing thing is that we were done by 10:45....that NEVER happens. The court has moved to demand on a Bruce Perry or Perryite doing an evaluation of all the history to make recommendations for actual therapy. The fear is that he's been out of the home for nine months and we're afraid he will become so comfortable with institutional living that it will make it that much harder for him to ever be able to live in our home again. All parties agreed that there is no way he will make the September deadline for either CPS permanency custody or going home. We have a mediation set for July 30th with the Advocacy,Inc. attorney, his attorney ad litum, CASA worker, Ass't. D.A., CPS worker and ourselves.

On the upside is that the daughter is at my sister's and the dad and I have a date night in S.A. to go to dinner and to a pub to meet up with friends from elementary school again.

Here are some photos from Tuesday's trip to the river with my daughter and my niece. Oh, and the unofficial bridge mayors....Sonny and Jackson.

Teacher, Teacher, I declare.....

2010-06-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

(My fourth grade class with the witch teacher Mrs. F....wow, brings up yucky feelings of fear even today. She was abusive and was fired at the end of the year.)

....no, I don't see someone's underwear. But, I found out today that I will be teaching fourth grade next year and they asked me to be the team leader. (That can be a double edged sword....no extra pay, just extra work and meetings but hey, it's all good.) Of course, I headed right out to the teacher store in Austin called Teacher Heaven which is like unleashing a kid in a candy store with a debit card. So, at least one of life's mysteries has been solved.

I guess I look Ukrainian to some people.....

2010-06-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

Drove six hours plus to see the boy. Visit lasted a whopping twenty minutes. The super nachos were super, the cheesecake assortment was cheesecakey but in spite of twice asking him if he was okay with me being there (that means, "Are you having thoughts of hitting me sweetie?") and having him answer in a very everything is hunkey dorey kind of voice, without warning, he hit me in the face.

Sadly, I had chosen to sit on his right side with the specific thought that I know he's got a killer right hook and maybe that would help. Nope, the boy is a pugilist in training...he has a future in cage fighting. He is ambidextrous when it comes to hitting. Just one short, sharp jab to the side of my nose. No outward trauma. So, our two visits were cut to one and we came on home rather than spend the night. The staff agreed that they would present it to him as their choice....a consequence for his behavior. I just don't want him to feel rejection again. Am I pissed? Yeah, I am because he could have told me he was having thoughts, I would have sat on the other side of the room and he and I wouldn't have gone through the drama and the trauma.

I'm amazed though that I just sat there, in shock, as if I'd never experienced this before. My husband put himself between us and the staff member there stood over him from the back of the couch,holding both his hands while my husband insisted I stand up and move away. My brain just could not wrap itself around the fact that we were here again. Damn it, I HATE RAD! I HATE PTSD! My nose now feels like there's a big bugger way up high, don't worry, there isn't...if there were, I'd never have mentioned it. Just the swelling on the inside. At least this time, our daughter will have no clue.

It keeps coming back to this...I look like one of the women who hurt him. So, I look Ukrainian or she looks Texan, cause you know...Texas is a whole nother country.

Ps I met My Sweet Chaos IRL today! We can look at each other, nod our heads because we.get.it. Boo yeah!

SSssuuwweeeetttttt!!!!

2010-06-10T06:17:00.000-07:00

The daughter wanted something sweet and she wanted it to be homemade. Here in central Texas, it's strawberry season and she decided on strawberry shortcake.

Working in the kitchen with my girl...sweet.

Knowing today she has her first "date" (grandpa will be driving them to the movies....I hope his grandpa can keep the conversation going because these two are both painfully shy in front of each other.....my older daughter is going through agony that her younger sister actually likes boys, especially "a" boy...what went around coming around .....sweet.

My son's social worker at the psych hosp. emailed me that he'd been waiting by the gate when she got there and said,"I want to go home and I have a plan." Seems he'd witnessed another boy who'd been there a year (he's been there three months) that passed DRB (basically a review in front of the board that he is no longer considered "manifestly dangerous" the label that gets them in this place). The huge fuss including lots of party food to celebrate has enticed my son. I guess it is true, the way to a man's (boy's) heart IS through his stomach! .....Always aware that there's a big but, I am hesitant to believe food envy will be enough and said so to him. I will,however, be more than happy to get him food galore once he heals enough to be able to come home......sweet!

Getting to see my baby in two days.....sweet!

2010-06-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

Jennie, you will so appreciate this! Yesterday, I had a job interview in a small town near ours. What grade level it was for I didn't know. But, I was to come prepared to teach four to five, LIVE children and twenty minute guided reading lesson. Then the actual interview would begin. Turns out, this was in front of eleven teachers, administrators and parents (one boy in the group's mom, and yes, he was a ring tailed tooter and or more likely, because he was a big time struggling reader)! Wow! I've interviewed before panels before, but no more than six. They've never included parents but I do think that was a good idea. Fortunately, once I get "in the mode" with kids, I forget the adults around me. I'm hoping that none of the other applicants have a coach in the district husband or a parent who works in the district so I would have a shot. Geez!

On the boy front, he's been sick which means he's been an angel to be around. Of course the 103.5 "I might have to go to the hospital" fever turned out to be 101.6 and the trip to the hospital was his wishful thinking or worrying aloud. Hard to be here when I should have been there with popsicles for his pukey tummy and ice packs for his feverish head. He is on the mend now and we see him Saturday!

2010-05-30T07:08:00.000-07:00

Cousins...there are a total of seventeen kids amongst my husband and his siblings.

Hannah and the bride, precious Adrianna. Hannah loosened up from following me like a shadow and we found out that while the dancing was going on in the ballroom, she was rockin' out by herself at the back of the reception room. Wow, I didn't know she could dance that well.
My husband and I both have four siblings. That means that weddings do come around from time to time. His brother's daughter was married last night. She is a sweet, beautiful and shy soul (did not want his hands under her dress to get the garter...whereas my husband ducked his HEAD under mine to get mine without a "heads up" at all to me! Anyway, while their reception was fun (the recessional song was 'I Gotta Feeling' by Black Eyed Peas....we knew the reception would be energetic.) it was still hard to see his siblings there with their families intact, even the sister with seven kids, while we were there, a family of three that should be a family of six. With one in Heaven, one in North Carolina (which is apparently the opposite of Heaven right now) and one in the psych hospital, it just sucked to be us. Dammit, I am so tired of being "that family" that people feel sorry for. Oh well, better go put on my big girl panties and get back in the game.

If it's not termites....

2010-05-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

It's baby birds. Second set, second kind living in a pushed in knot hole. Trying to get a picture via the upstairs bathroom window which is just left of the knothole nest. Nature amazes me how it can adapt regardless of what we humans do. There is a deer here that I call Tripod...she's missing her left hind leg below the knee. Don't know how it happened but around here, probably she was hit by a car and taken to the vet for later release when she healed. This doe can haul butt! Today, I got to meet her twins. The herd helps her keep an eye on the babies but certain members make no allowances for her when the neighbor feeds. No problem, neighbor runs all the others off and Tripod gets all the goodies.

I do feel like my son has his own herd up in North Texas. Even if he's hitting them or at them, threatening, etc. they keep circling. He's having a rough time today, two restraints and PRN meds after repeatedly hitting staff. Wish like Tripod, he could take a bad situation and just run with it.

One more day.....one more day.....one more day......

2010-05-26T18:27:00.000-07:00

and I am done with working! Actually, I've enjoyed the heck out of it when I wasn't telling some punk to pick up his pants. I'm sorry, but when did having jean shorts touch the tops of your shoes become fashionable? When did our boys learn to run while grabbing a hold of their pants and shorts for dear life? Why is this even allowed in school? Today, like every day though, there are diamonds glittering amongst the rubble. There are surprises that remind me to look past those babby a$$ pants and see the child inside...

example: C. Garcia...tough lookin' lil' punk who "can't write Miss cause I broke this hand in a fight!" Guess what, I can bubble in the answers and write what you tell me. One on one, away from the homies, or is that homeys, (I.am.so.lame.) you could feel, after the first little bit of encouragement, you could see, his need to please, his need for positive affirmation. It broke my heart to see this boy, in an almost man's body, big ol' diamond earring flashin', look up with wide eyes to see if he'd answered the Texas history question correctly. I know this same boy whose eyes flashed angrily at me when he realized why I needed him, would have reacted very differently in front of his peers. Lord, how I wish we could have classes the size of 5:1 or less. These children need so much to help them overcome the lacks...lack of parenting....lack of supervision...lack of opportunity for enrichment...lack of positive role models. There is a young teacher at the school I'm at this week, also last name Garcia (hey, it's Texas...that's like Smith up north) who left business to become a teacher. He is admired, he is respected, he's built rapport with the kids, he's male and young. We need more of him, much more. Especially, we need more of him from minorities so kids can look and say, yeah, someday, I'll be a Mr.Garcia.

Then there was J. delTorres-Arredondo. Quiet, studious, but giving nothing away with her expression. She tried to disappear into the background.

But once she saw C.G. was okay with doing well, that it was okay to be smart, informed, intellectual....she really hit the ground running. The test I was giving is a post-test after strategies were taught to her teacher and others. This test is not easy and I'm a history major. The schools involved in creating and scoring these tests are Berkley, Harvard, University of Texas and frankly, I can't remember...I think M.I.T. but am not sure....J was doing well, very well (I had to read the multiple choice questions and answer stems to all students, regardless of their reading level so that a child's ability to read/comprehend would not be a variable...we were testing their content knowledge, not reading skills) and after she'd written basically ten short novels on the short answer portion, I asked her,"You really like social studies, don't you?" "Yes." (Still, very short answer.) I asked her who her social studies teacher was and did she think she was a good teacher. (I'd witnessed this teacher high-fiving kids, really interacting well with them while also commanding respect.)
Again a quiet yes was her response but her eyes lit up! You could tell she'd made a connection...as teachers, we never know what words or actions will spark desire to reach higher or will blast a child out of the sky. Later today, I talked to this teacher. She said J. had come back to her right after testing and asked if she could please recommend her for honors classes next year in eighth grade. Wow, the world humbled me today.

Note....photos are off the web...not the real people described.

help me help myself...to a book

2010-05-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal see...I.have.never.won.a.single.thing.on.anyone's.giveaway. There, it's out there for the world to see. Why? Cause, generally I don't enter or try but this time, I'm goin for it big time.

Can someone tell me why I can't get the gosh darn linky thing to work?

Girl from the Ghetto blog....If You Follow Me giveaway

Maybe they will stop eating my plants if I feed them?

2010-05-22T13:40:00.000-07:00

Oh deer, and deer, and deer,and .....

2010-05-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

The post that goes with the video that played in preview but failed in publish.

Went to Ft.Worth....drank some beers....sang some Karaoke....made some friends....recovered the next day....came home. Note to self, just because friends buy it, you don't have to drink it.

The boy is improving and we'll see him together in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I'm learning that I cannot eat a whole can of pineapple without paying consequences. Stomach hurts! short post Have a great weekend and hang onto your hats while our radlings deal with the end of the school year.

Go north, young woman, I mean woman, go north!

2010-05-12T16:53:00.002-07:00

Well, I was going to visit Alex Saturday. I was willing to drive from Ft.Worth after a night of karaoke ...yep, drive three hours each way for a two hour visit. Yep, I was. But now, since he's busted back down to orange (two levels down...back to square one) due to hitting female staff members, I am not. Another fake outcry of assault against a fellow patient. All following a sleepless night preparing for a sleep-deprived EEG. And his sleep pattern could not get back in the groove. And his mama started working again and couldn't call him two times a day, only once. And.and.and.and. Honestly, I knew the progress would backslide and still it's not as bad as it was at the hospital in Austin. I believe he has now been determined to not be "manifestly dangerous". He was allowed to speak at the hearing there to make that determination. He said he felt it wasn't a therapeutic hospital, that he didn't "go" to therapy.

I guess they forgot to tell him that the recreational THERAPY, art THERAPY, music THERAPY, visiting with the social worker multiple times per day, church and singing, positive staff who modeled THERAPEUTIC behavior, was in actuality THERAPY. Oh.

So, instead, I'm going for some childhood friend THERAPY and sing some THERAPEUTIC karaoke and hang with my THERAPEUTIC best friend. Oh.

2010-05-12T16:53:00.001-07:00

The wreck and the chat after

2010-05-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

This wreck was not mine but one I came upon. Little Nissan Versa impaled on a tree. Woman had looked at her cellphone and crossed the road, went down a small hill and greeted the tree. Tree-1 Versa-0

Get this and no, I can't make this crap up. She has custody of her eleven year old granddaughter who is being treated for RAD. People, we are everywhere and watch out, cause we're gettin' ready to unite!

Picture is just because I thought you might need a little pirate in your day or gypsy. We were goin' for pirate.

There's blue and then there's blue

2010-05-04T18:13:00.000-07:00

First, the hard blue but it's kind of a good blue too. Tomorrow will be the twentieth anniversary of my daughter,Amber's, death. So, while I miss her like hell, I know she's in a good place. How do I know? Well, if you promise not to have me carted off by the guys in white, I'll just tell ya. ( I decided because I'd been asked before about this dream to make it a documents file...so, I cheated tonight and just copied and pasted....lazy me, but I've been working for two days in hell...aka middle school and I'm too tired to work.)

Two weeks after Amber died (due to the lack of timely response from her pediatrician who was reamed out on the phone in front of me by the Pedi ICU head doctor for delaying transferring her to the children's hospital...not that I think YOU would but never, ever just accept what a doctor tells you...he/she is not the god they think they are.) and the Valium and Xanax were being weaned away from me. It was a rough day, as you can imagine, she was not just my child but also my vocation. That evening, I talked to her in my head and said,"Amber, Mama's having a real hard time tonight. I need to know you're okay. " Then I went to bed.

The dream started in our living room. She came with two others and the first thing I knew something was up was she was walking! She had on a purple sweater, her favorite color, and white jeans. (Amber had kyphosis, like a low hump back making jeans an impossibility but something she really wanted.) The other two, I can't remember their features or if they even had any. Just that as she got closer, they drifted away.

She came to me and I can still feel the hug. As she began talking to me she said,"Mom, we have to dance in a circle. I can only stay and visit with you if we dance in a circle." So we did and as we danced around and around, this thought kept coming,"This feels too real to be a dream"...over and over. Then, she began describing Heaven... She said," It's beautiful. Like a hunting camp but don't worry, no animals get killed. (Maybe she remembered my threat to go up to the hill country in a deer suit with a male mannequin tied to my hood and blood all over him. Not a fan of hunting.) Beautiful meadows. There are flowers everywhere, you're gonna love it! (That made me take a sigh of relief, if she thinks I'm gettin' in, it's a good sign right?)

Then, through jalousie windowed door (layers of glass that open out) I saw the outline of my husband and our daughter who was eleven. So did Amber and she said she'd be right back. I saw them hugging and dancing in a circle.

She came back to me and we hugged and danced some more. I don't remember anything after that but waking up. I'd been so scared to dream about her because I knew I'd have to wake up and remember. But all I felt was peace.

Fast forward two weeks: I came across a book called Closer to the Light. By Melvin Morse, M.D. It was a book about children and near death experiences. Their descriptions are varied...rainbow colors, everything golden, flower filled meadows.

after having this dream, I went to our priest and told him about it. He made a couple of connections for me:

Amber coming with two others: the Holy Trinity
Dancing in a circle: it's in Revelations (which I tend to avoid....like the plague)

I typed this up as a response to a comment made about Amber dancing with angels...

So, that's it. I know she's there and I hope to spend eternity with her. Right here and now, it sucks. I miss her. I would give so much for one more hug...to hear one more belly laugh and squeal. Thank God for video! Oh Miss Ams, Mama misses you. So, that's the good and maybe hard blue. She was a privilege and a blessing and I am so glad He picked me for her mama.

Now, to the GREAT BLUE! And, this is about Alex. (Why am I looking over my head like Heaven is about to drop a big ol' bird shoot on me?) Alex has moved up three levels at the hospital. Alex is going to and singing at church there. I had a whole day (8 - 4:15) minus an hour for lunch, visit with him. He had a horrible thought about hurting me and he was able to turn it around! I rubbed his head, his back, and mainly we were just together. My little man. Thank you for the prayers, the good kharma and the positive thoughts. Here's the kicker: after reading on here, on FRUA chat and on the yahoo RAD group? (or was it the respite/disrupt group or was it the neuro reorg yahoo group...ay yi yi, can't remember) about Tenex (Guafancine) and how it's helped some, not all, but some other kids fighting RAD...I wrote to his pedi-psych at the hospital and he agreed to try it. My son used the word calm! He's gone over twenty days without being restrained and two and a half weeks without asking for a PRN med. (As of Saturday.) We met his teachers, his nurses, the staff, the social worker, Saint, she's a saint!, and his fellow patients. They do family day once every three months. I wish I could just revel in this joy and I'm trying hard not to keep listening for the other shoe to fall. I keep telling myself that my son is basically in a boarding school for kids with emotional disturbance and to accept the joy of today. Tomorrow, is His.

Texas ramblin'

2010-04-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

My mom is beautiful! I was blessed with the opportunity today to spend time alone with her. I drove her to spend a few days with her best friend. The same best friend who got married when she did, on a dare....the same day. My mom was fifteen and her friend was sixteen...they wrote the number 18 on a piece of paper and put it in their shoe so that when the clerk asked them if they were over eighteen, they could honestly say they were. Both marriages ended in divorce but produced a son and a daughter each. That's how I got my sister Sue and my brother Billy. And she thought I was a tough teen to raise?!

Oy...the Russian Return

2010-04-10T08:52:00.001-07:00

Well, the powers that be in Russia have apparently decided to halt all adoptions due to the stupid choice of one (according to another blog, who quoted CNN) You know, that's kind of like closing a highway because one driver drove drunk, so no one can drive.

Do I think the choice of this mom from Tennessee was wrong,oh you bet! Is she the first person to return to sender, their child? Nope, thousands of Russian families have done the same thing with the child(ren) they adopted. An American family took their son, who had broken his little sister's ankles, killed pets or something very close to that, back to either Ukraine or Russia and had him put in a mental hospital...and left him there. Their state social services got him back and I believe he will have to live in a group home with no possibility of being in a family. But, while wrong, they at least took him there.

This kind of situation is a symptom....a symptom of an insidious and spreading illness....families who now have PTSD due to the abuse they receive from their formerly abused/neglected/abandoned kids. There is little to no support. I know, if anyone has tried to find help for their child and family, she's sitting here. I could write a book. My son's history and listing of resources I've tried is now over 50 single spaced pages long. Am I a saint? Oh heck no, just desperate to find my son and my family help. Heck, I even wrote, more than once, Dr.Phil, Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres....no response from any of them. Do I think she looked very hard or long, nope. Six months is nothing but if she couldn't handle him, she should have looked to disruption and found him a family that could. That would be a better fit and maybe have more resources. Cause folks, if you ain't rich, you cannot afford to have mental illness in this country.

So, now according to Russian beauracrat wisdom, let's impact ALL the kids who are so close to getting their family and All American (I'm guessing it's just Americans, could be all foreign adoptions) families ready to travel to get their child.

Here's what showed up an hour ago on yahoo:

Grandmother: Adopted boy sent back to Russia was violent
By Alan Duke, CNN
April 10, 2010 5:05 a.m. EDT
Justin Hansen was adopted from a Russian orphanage last year, according to his grandmother.
Justin Hansen was adopted from a Russian orphanage last year, according to his grandmother.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS

* NEW: Future adoptions to U.S. are banned pending new treaty, foreign minister says
* NEW: Russian official says grandmother's claim about child's treatment is "a lie"
* 7-year-old's adoptive family in U.S. sends him back to Russia
* Child exhibited violent and psychotic behavior, according to grandmother

(CNN) -- A 7-year-old Russian boy adopted by an American family last year was put on a return flight to Moscow this week because of violent and psychotic behavior, according to a Tennessee grandmother.

The child showed up unannounced at Russia's child protection ministry Thursday, triggering an international investigation.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov told a Russian TV channel on Friday that his country has banned future adoptions by Americans until the United States signs a new agreement to regulate them.

U.S. diplomats have avoided such an agreement to set responsibilities for the adopting parents, Lavrov said, "but this latest incident has exhausted our patience."

"We are now investigating the circumstances of the boy's return to see if any crimes were committed," said U.S. Ambassador to Russia John Beyrle. "We are also in close contact with the Russian government on all aspects of the case, and we know that he is being well cared for."
Video: Adopted Boy Sent Packing
RELATED TOPICS

* Adoption
* Russia
* U.S. Department of State
* Child Abuse

Nancy Hansen, the Tennessee woman who put Justin Hansen on the plane in Washington, insisted she did not abandon the child, but was following instructions from a lawyer she found online.

Hansen told CNN that she was concerned about her family's safety after a series of violent incidents and threats.

"I still have energy and I love children," Hansen said. "It wasn't that he was just energetic and wearing us down. It was the violent tendencies and he had to be watched at all time."

When her daughter, Torry Hansen, adopted the boy from a Russian orphanage last year, she asked the doctor there if he had any physical or mental problems, Nancy Hansen said.

The doctor answered "'He's healthy,' and turned and left," she said.

Once the child learned enough English, he told his new family about the horrors of his previous life, including being beaten at the orphanage after his mother abandoned him, she said.

He also told of an incident in which he burned down a building near the orphanage, she said.

Russian Children's Rights Commissioner Pavel Astakhov said the child was "completely healthy, physically and mentally" before the adoption.

"Nobody withheld anything from her [Torry Hansen]," he said. "It's a lie."

Justin told Russian officials he was abused by the American family, Astakhov said.

"There was a grandmother who was at home with the boys," he said. "She used to shout at [Justin] a lot. When I asked how the mother treated him he burst into tears and said she used to pull his hair."

Hansen said the child had a "hit list" of people he was targeting, including her daughter, who he said he "wanted to kill for the house." He threatened to kill her grandson for a videogame, she said.

The final incident that convinced Hansen she should send the boy back to Russia was when she caught him starting a fire with papers in his bedroom last Monday, she said. She feared the child might burn down the house and kill her family, she said.

Hansen and her family were set to meet with Bedford County, Tennessee, Sheriff Randall Boyce on Friday afternoon but their lawyer asked to reschedule the session for next week, a sheriff's spokeswoman said.

"I'm not sure there's been a crime committed," Boyce said earlier. He was asked by the U.S. State Department to investigate.

A State Department spokesman said the U.S. government was "very troubled" by the incident.

"As parents, my wife and I were deeply shocked by the news of Justin Hansen, and very angry that any family would act so callously toward a child that they had legally adopted," Ambassador Beyrle said.

Nancy Hansen outlined for CNN the process she followed after she decided Justin must go back to Russia.

When the lawyer she found online advised her the adoption could be reversed, Hansen booked the flight and paid the fee for a steward to escort Justin through the airport, she said.

She hired a driver in Moscow she found online to pick the child up from the Moscow airport, she said. She found "safe references" for the driver online, she said.

She then prepared a letter for Justin to present to Russian officials, which included a photo of the driver, whom she identified as "Arthur," she said.

Justin "had never been happier" than when he boarded the plane for Moscow, she said.

Russian child protection officials were not happy when the child arrived unannounced at their ministry Wednesday. Nancy Hansen said when they called her there was "a lot of yelling going on."

But Hansen said after the call she believed the matter was settled and the boy was safe, until she also got a call from the U.S. Embassy. They told her she had set off an "international incident."

The U.S. State Department spokesman on Friday said it was up to the Russian government to decide whether it will suspend adoptions by Americans because of the incident.

Ambassador Beyrle said cases of neglect are rare among the "tens of thousands of adopted Russian children who are living happily and lovingly with their American families."

"But even one incident like this is too many, and we will get to the bottom of what went wrong," he said.

The Seattle-based agency which Hansen said her daughter used to coordinate the adoption said it found out about Justin's return only Friday.

"We were alerted to this situation by our branch office in Moscow, Russia, and are shocked and saddened by this turn of events," said a spokeswoman for the World Association for Children and Parents.

In the 1 percent of the cases where the dissolution of an adoption has been needed, the agency "has always supported and worked closely with [adoptive] parents to assist the child in moving into a new adoptive family," she said.

Didn't realize that it was only one percent of dissolution/disruptions.

Awwww, take a hike!

2010-04-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

Saw this on Facebook and just had to share...

I am not a winter person unless there is snow...did I mention I live in central Texas? It's about as rare as a Kardashian having modesty, Snooky having a good figure or a Gosselin having parental common sense. So, when winter is finally over....I gets happier! My plant therapy starts...I can soak up some warmth before the furnace blast of summer. (Did I mention I live in Texas?) And, I can take Miss Molly McPrickles outside because it's warm enough. When she gets cold,she gets all shaky legged and weavy like a drunk. Might be because her ancestors were from South Africa. Yesterday afternoon, she and I had a photo shoot. Or, maybe I should call it a click and flinch. But, I caught a few before she was able to duck her head.

Some people plop their kids down in a field of bluebonnets

I am speaking to Alex usually at least twice per day, three times if he's allowed to call me from the social worker's office on speakerphone. I've hesitated to send him a phone card to call me from the patient phone because I need to hang on to some control in this situation. Some days lately when I call, he's not around to answer the phone (he had been picking it up on practically the first ring)because he's out playing kickball. Part of me (the bigger part) is relieved because he's doing something active that he's enjoying. The little part of me that questions everything is wondering if he's getting too used to institutional life. I choose to go with the bigger part...him sitting around waiting for the phone to ring is not a happy picture.

I am so going to do it.....

2010-04-06T18:18:00.001-07:00

this is MY blog where I can say whatever I want! I'm sick of the Obama songs, jokes, limericks, puns, and baseless emails.

For the record...Obama did NOT cancel the National Day of Prayer last year. He chose to sign the proclamation in the oval office just as Reagan and Bush, Sr. had done before him. He did not choose to have the Dobsons or whoever led the Christian Coalition, Christian Right, whatever for a party in the White House. Boo and Hoo!

He did NOT go moseying into the big ballroom and host a Muslim Day of Prayer on Sept.25, 2009. It was NOT an official event. It was OUTSIDE of the White House grounds. He did NOT attend. Facebook friends, if you know me at all....don't send me those 'bamabashing emails. Urrggghhh!!! I wish people would learn to check facts and not blindly forward. Now, I feel better and it is all about ME!

In other central Texas news....summer has arrived! It shoved spring right out of the way....it's early summer, so not in the 90's yet but it did feel like we went straight from the jacket to the thong. Ummmm, yeah, so not happenin. Ewwwwww, that image might just make me lose that little Hershey rabbit I ate while waiting for Hannah at tutoring this evening.

Along with the warm, moist air....we have this....sorry, I am not very objective but I do believe the Bluebonnet is one of the most beautiful flowers. Unless of course you consider it's bigger cousin Lupine...I pine for Lupine but it's just too darn hot here in the summer for them! then there's always Poppies....I loves me some poppies....again, don't last here. Hey, come to think of it...the dang bluebonnets don't last all that long either. Maybe they should have considered Wild Verbena....

Of guard shacks, guard towers and the Easter bunny

2010-04-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

First of two guard shacks

The actual buildings the kids eat,sleep, go to school and therapy in.

Guard tower....always manned.

They cut the glue strip off of his Easter card envelope because on the other unit, the teens are there for substance abuse and people have put things like LSD on the glue strip of the envelopes. They took the shirts, shorts, shoes, deoderant and toothbrush at the second guard shack. They have to wash the clothing before the kids can get it in case (see the envelope....some people need to use their powers for good and stop making life harder for us)

After being "wanded" to see if we were carrying any weapons (Ma'am, are you wearing an underwire bra?" "Ummm, no sir, I choose not to torture myself with that type of device.") showing our licenses, filling out paperwork that we had no contagious disease at the moment, nor had come in contact with anyone in recent weeks with a disease, I turned and saw.....him! There was still an electronic gate between us and he wasn't allowed to walk near the fence but there he was...my boy! Oh my gosh, I thought I was prepared after talking to him two or three times daily but I so was not. He's grown two inches, his legs are hairy and yet, he's still my little boy.

He asked after we were escorted to the visiting room if he could hug me. Now remember, our first visit was supposed to be through the fence...then, it was across a table, then on separate sofas. I asked him if he was having any thought of hurting me and he said no, none at all. I wish I could bottle up the feeling of holding my baby...I wish I hadn't sobbed out loud. Most of all, I wish I could have just hustled him to the car and taken him home. We took him a Quarter Pounder meal, slice of cheesecake and a mini-burrito with guacamole. (He is a teen male, after all.) And he scarfed it all down as if he'd not eaten an hour and a half before. He hugged his dad and then we got down to business: his head in my lap, oh how I've missed just rubbing his head. I will say this though, an hour was about all he could take. Same thing this morning. He scarfed down his Easter bunny and a dozen mini bubble gum eggs, minus the two he shared. He gave me a poster he'd done most of (velvet thing that you color in with marker) and I am to finish it and photograph it. He gave me two letters. He had been on a rampage, following a boy who'd been there longer named T, whose sister M was in Austin State Hospital when Alex was...damn abusive parents anyway.

I plan on going back in two weeks...it's a good 6.5 hour drive for a two hour, twice a day visit but I need that connection and more importantly, so does he. They actually have a house there in town that was built as a group home, I guess a transition home but now is available to families on weekends. $25 a night but NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER take any food into your room....even if it's your daughter's Easter basket to find when she wakes up! Hey, I was wondering if they'd throw me in behind the barbed wire and the fence. Lord only knows what they'd do if I have a few beverages in there, kick me out? Brand me with Consumable Sneaker? Hardened Beverage Hider? Jeez. It's nice that they have it but next time, La Quinta for sure.

Oh how it has made my month, to hold my boy! Please God, more progress...continued progress....someday home?

Too True Tuesday....oh yes, there's more!

2010-03-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

Oh Essie, it's like an extra special gift to add two more........

Gerard Butler....love me some Scottish brrrrrrrrr

Matthew Goode (Leap Year) movie was predictable but again, the accent.....yum! Don't like the cigarette but hey, the flag, the beer...

So, my list of three huh?

Easy, peasy...

1.Johnny Depp

2.Dermot Mulroney

3. Craig Ferguson...."I know!" I would love the puppets....it's all about the puppets...especially Beudreaux the Alligator.

It would appear I adore brown haired men...color of the eyes,optional.

Oh, I just had to do it!

2010-03-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

This is my new little cutie great niece. Just had to share but will not list her name, okay, just the first one....Isabella. Bella's mom and dad are both redheads...Bella's cousin Emily also started life with a head full of really dark hair and has ended up a dark blonde/light brown. My nephew is on cloud nine, but some of that euphoria may be due to lack of sleep. I can't wait to hold this one and breathe in her new baby scent!

On the son front.....okay, is there a good luck charm I did not include? He had a rough weekend with restraints twice but HE DID NOT HIT ANYONE!!!!! I still feel strongly that he is in a much better place than the first RTC and the psych hospital he was transferred to this one from. So, it's a silver lining in a short burst raging cloud. They are located in Tornado alley and while he boasts about wanting to ride one out....I believe he truly does get freaked out by the prospect and let loose his own twister.

Good news for me....bad news for you,pffffttt!

2010-03-26T06:59:00.001-07:00

Oh baby! Mr.Neptune, you sure got you some nice muscles!

My own Mr.Neptune...he turns 53 today! Oh, how I love this man...and have, for 33 years and counting.

I'm guessing to get a good sunset, name in the sand that I need to be on the west coast.

Our second and third daughters, Heather and Hannah. We left number two behind in OBX, sniff, but I do believe this is a good thing for her and her husband. Guess I know where our next AmericanExpress points will be heading.

Ocracoke Lighthouse....what a neat island to visit!

Good news: There was so much to see and do in the Outer Banks and Virginia that I ran out of memory on a 4Gig SD card and had to move a bunch to a photo cd in order to continue. Bad news: Now ya gotta wade through some of my pics!

Great news: (And yes, I'm knocking on wood, holding a struggling rabbit in my lap in order to hang on to its foot, clutching a four leaf clover between my teeth....) Alex is doing very well at the big, lock down psych hospital up in the north. I was even scolded by not only the nurse but the social worker when I tried to make sure they were (and staff too) forewarned that he could assault without any prior notice..."Yes, we were given a heads up but while we are aware, here, children come in with a clean slate." That first was the grandmother bear. I'm realizing I'm pretty sure I already posted this part. I continue to be impressed. Alex says they're not doing any therapy though. But they are...it's just so darn hidden inside of music class, rec class and art, that he's not realizing it. He now says he's ready to see me. We've agreed to visit through the fence first....then, with a table between us. It's progress. Oh, and I have a new great niece! I can't post a picture of her because she's not mine and I don't have permission but take my word for it.....this child of two redheads has come out with a head of dark, dark hair! She's too cute!

Virginia Beach, VA

2010-03-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

Had to say goodbye to my 31 year old but always my girl daughter this morning. Left the OBX of North Carolina and we're now in Virginia Beach until Wednesday. Lots of pics but can't upload to the hotel computer. Urrggghhh, now I'm missing TWO of my kids(three counting Amber in Heaven but I know it's all good with her).

The one we still carry around with us has us in stitches. My sweet Hannah....encircled me with her love when I got upset talking to the nurse at Alex's new place.

We're On Island Time

2010-03-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post...we are in the Outer Banks and hopefully my daughter and son in law have found a house...if you saw the movie Night in Rodanthe, that's where they're moving. Not THAT house....but that area. Yesterday, we saw what I guess is the tail end of the Nor'easter that the far northeast has been experiencing. This morning, sunshine and warmer temps. I'm using my son in law's laptop to post but I don't have a cable to hook up to upload pics but will when we get to Virginia in a few days.

We drove hard for three days.....stayed in Pascagoula,Mississippi the first night because all of the gamblers had taken over Gulfport and Biloxi...stayed in Greenville, South Carolina the second night along with a busload of teenagers from Mississippi. I couldn't believe my eyes that these kids were given key cards for different floors...for their own room. Fortunately, we were on a different floor than most of them, and the four who were on our floor never made a peep. No Hannah, that will NEVER be you without a chaperone!

Saw eight highway patrol with eight cars pulled over just after crossing into Alabama...with two county sheriffs sitting at the hill....don't speed in Alabama. It was either in Alabama or South Carolina that the sign said that for speeding could be a $200 fine AND 30 days...don't think they were talking about 30 days in a hotel! Wow, I thought Texas was tough on speeders...there, they just make money.

Today, going out to see the house from the movie....looking around Roanoke Island...and likely, helping to haul furniture up to a house perched on 20 foot stilts! My back is already hurting....

Found a Food-a-Rama whose slogan is (Donna, you would crack up) "You Can't Beat Our Meat!"

On the Alex front...he was transferred yesterday. The social worker called Alex the afternoon before and reassured him that it was not like a concentration camp or a prison as a couple of staff had told him it was. The nurse called me yesterday to approve a med change as they are going to slowly reduce what he's on as it is not working. When I made sure the nurse and staff had been informed that he could assault without any type of head's up...she actually sounded angry (she sounds like a grandmother type),"We like to make our own opinions about the child after we meet them. Many times we get kids that have been described as monsters and we just don't see that in them when they get here." Glad to hear that my son already has a Grandmama bear there. He called yesterday with the social worker sitting with him. I know he's anxious and sad but he also sounded a bit relieved to be out of the other hospital. Please keep praying that he decides to actually work with the program.

Who ya gonna call......

2010-03-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

Because it sounds like lots of kids got their freak on right now, thought ya'll could use a laugh. I will not say that my son is actually a bit settled down right now, I will not say that. I do not tempt fate....she's a snarky thing. Enjoy.

Human Bat Prank @ Yahoo! Video

Forecast is Blizzard!!!!!

2010-02-25T07:50:00.000-08:00

You have to have Dairy Queen in your area to get the sarcasm....two days ago, we had snow. Not just sleet, we had that first for quite a while, but fat snow flakes...that floated, twirled, and then hit the ground and melted, basically.Those humongous snow folks were about ten inches high. But, she had fun making them and I was just in awe of the floaty white stuff. Okay, enough, now time for spring!

Your Hands

2010-02-22T11:14:00.001-08:00

Oh you may be Gruene with envy!

2010-02-21T15:25:00.000-08:00

This is AFTER (obviously) hot tubbing and then jumping in the pool in February. (But, I cheated....it was heated.)

There was a time that hot tub triggered a party image....we were soaking our knee,hip,back and ankle pain away. Yes, Donna was treating hers with the liquid cure too. Hey, it's been a looooonnnnggggg time since we walked the grounds at the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo....like almost forty years!

Five members of Girl Scout Troop 328...myself, Donna, Susan, Suzanne and Cindy.

Showing old, old elementary school pics to our leader, Mrs. Sisk. Myself, Donna, Cindy, her mom, and Suzanne. Cindy and her husband have volunteered at the stock show for eighteen years now. She is a pharmacy manager at a San Antonio hospital in her real life but they spend their vacation time working for the future farmers at the stock show. She cooks for over 200 people twice a day for about three weeks. For free. Amazing.

If you ever have a chance to go to central Texas...hit Gruene. Lots to do, beautiful nature, Gruene Hall has had many a famous band perform on it's stage. And of course, the Grist Mill Restaurant. We were Donna, Debbie Turner, myself, Susan Brand, and Debbie Anderson.

Good times tend to fly by and this definitely was a great time! We crashed a lady named Darla's birthday party at a Biergarten but were handed birthday hats and taken in like kin! Great band playing stuff from our high school years (she was turning 50 but looked like maybe she was turning 40, maybe). Stayed in an awesome condo there... lots more talking and good times.

These are women that I went to elementary school with....some of us were in the same Girl Scout troop from first to sixth grade.....they all went to the same junior high (I had to go to the new one, new boundaries) and we were back together when high school came around.

I'm here but it's a weird day.

2010-02-14T19:31:00.000-08:00

Guess which one is mine? She's not smiling...she's trying I think to look sultry. This is her posse....four friends hangin' out since fifth grade...now, old ladies in eighth. The girl in the back with all that beautiful hair,Alix, designed their dresses. She actually "beautified" them. Headin' to the Valentines Day dance. Of course, Sarah couldn't have bent over to pick up a thing...but, fingertips were above the hem so she was within dress code. Yes, we had four teens getting ready, and for the night afterwards. Sleep, where have you gone?

Lots of rain in Central Texas....lots of little waterfalls.

Yep, we live near Austin. Yep, most kids around here know how to Hook Em Horns before they can walk. No, she's not going to U.T.

Another one with my niece's daughter, Emily. Hard to believe I'm a great aunt. Harder to believe I am not a grandmother.

Don't know what I did to get this brightness but I still like it. Started out on our trek at about 65 degrees, front moved in and finished it at 40 degrees. Never saw an ample woman move so fast.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

Spreadin a little more sunshine...

2010-02-11T06:42:00.001-08:00

Allright, I've tried again and again and for some reason have troubles with my linking. Thanks to Mary and Muddling Through Mayhem and Dawn and The Land of the Loo Loos for nominating me.

I would nominate others but they've been pretty well hit already. So, I'll take a page from Diana at Gold to Refine and list the blogs that I watch for daily updates. I troll you people. I am your online stalker....So, if you're not updatin', get to the gettin'!

Mary @ Muddling Through Mayhem
Dawn @ The Land of the Loo Loos
Allison @ Crawford Life & Times
Diana @ Gold to Refine
Thorn @ Mother Issues
Christine @ Welcome to My Brain
Laynie@ My Sweet Chaos
Not the Other Mother @ Mama Drama - Times Two (she's good, so good about never putting up her first name...so I will rename her, you are known by the new name of: She Who Loves A Lot Mother of Many)
Marsha@ Isaiah 43
Lisa@ Life in the Grateful House
Tara @ The Short Bus
Annie @ One Mother's Day
Christine @ Smiles and Trials (who I emailed when they were going back to Ukraine to adopt Alex that hey, their van seats 15...room for one more. They are going back to Ukraine to adopt again.Cause I told her to. Right, it's all about me.)
Marty @ Marty's Musings
Tudu @ Finishing Off My Family
Corey @ Watching the Waters
Jennie @ Peace in Puzzles
Tiruba @ Tubaville
Essie @ The Accidental Mommy
Miss No Name @ Mothering4Money
Mindless @ My Mindless Words who hasn't posted since November 30th!
Dia por Dia @ Rancho Chico
If I've left someone off, it's because trying to locate a first name for SOME of these bloggers has sucked my mind dry. I know there are more....oh wait, Snarky Mom @ oh dang, I can see all the med names...wondering why Effexor isn't listed...it'll come to me but until then, enjoy these.

These are from an email entitled: If You Think Your Day Is Tough
Sorry they are so small.

Target holder on firing range.

Picante Baby Food (it's a joke)

You Are Here sign for mice inside a snakes belly.

The toothbrush is saying," Sometimes, I feel like I have the worst job in the world." The toilet paper is thinking 'Yeah, right.'

Who says clean jokes can't be funny?

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an
elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was
thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his
mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, 'I know how you feel.. My mom makes me ride in the
stroller too.'.
* * *
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came
into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was
intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After
mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I
don't think she knows how to use them.'
* * *
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got
a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your
friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those
things anyway.'
* * *
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to
give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the
girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
* * *
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the
question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do
they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son
hemmed and hawed awhile, and talked in circles... my grandson finally spoke up in disgust.
'You don't have to make something up, Dad.. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
* * *
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and
broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him.
'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
* * *
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken
with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a
nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was
a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade
carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
* * *
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old
man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

Ummm, Mom, I need you to sign this......

2010-02-01T08:26:00.001-08:00

We have a queen living in our home. She doesn't reside here always but when she does, she makes herself quite known. Without her knowledge, I call her Queen Frostene...but, not in a good way. Hannah turns within when stressed or ticked off.

Seems that AFTER being asked after school, on the way to pick her up, while she called from a friend's cell phone because hers was at home, on the floor, I'm sure....grrrr....they needed to get together to work on a project. Hmmmmm, no, these things need to be set up in advance. Tried it again Tuesday....second verse, same as the first. No word until Thursday evening whereupon calls were made, arrangements happened and the two friends from her Family Living class (think Home Ec) came home with her....after the,"We have to stop at Dollar General to get the ingredients." Over $21 later to make their 1/2 gallon of ice cream.....they made their commercial. They were creative and it came out well despite the fact that they.hadn't.even.written.a.script.all.week. I have to keep reminding myself that I was once in middle school too. Then, I had to call my mom to apologize for putting her through the same thing, I'm sure. After being warned not to ask if anyone could spend the night, she did anyway. Or rather, one of the girls did after the other had been picked up. I said no, THAT girl accepted it. MY girl pushed and asked again. Then, out comes my standard,"Am I going to change my mind?" Took the other girl home. After she asked if she could have a pair of Hannah's shoes. What?!

So, FINALLY, this morning, as we're driving up to the junior high, she says,"Ummm, Mom, I need you to sign this." Well, honey what is it. She wanted me to sign the form where she picks out the courses for the four years of high school. With only the requisites filled in. WTH! And so, the Wrath of Mom descended. Even I am amazed at how I was able within four minutes to unload on her about the entire weekend. While I'm still very pissed off at this recurring situation with her, I'm more pissed at me. So, I'm going to upload some pictures that will remind me of the times in her life when I was absolutely there for her.

Birthdays.....

2010-01-30T14:43:00.001-08:00

Ya know, every boy in Texas has to have a cowboy party. Since Alex really, really, really wanted to be one...within two weeks of hittin' Texas soil, this was a no brainer. Boot pinata, pin the nose on the cowboy, findin' "gold" in the gravel....posin' for pitchers on the hay bale. Good times. This boy, so close on the heels of his first real Christmas experience, tried to hand out his birthday presents to the guests. Hannah had to show him how to blow out candles. Sweet memories.

This one is a cheater...not birthday but saw it and got it. Our second daughter Heather with Alex right after we got him home.

I believe birthday number twelve. We have a tradition that on your birthday, you get whatever kind of sweet you want. Marble cheesecake anyone? Yes, he did share.

Where we used to live, the fire department would come out for your kid's birthday party. They use it as an educational opportunity. Party guests get to crawl all over the firetruck and the birthday child gets to hit the siren! Little lesson on why it is so important to ONLY call 911 in a real emergency. Sent the guys (all of them so easy on the mamas' eyes!) home with a mini firefighter cake. Huge, huge, hit!
And yeah, there is a disclaimer that if an emergency comes....no firetruck. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make frosting flames go up? More powder sugar than frosting....made your teeth hurt!

Tenth birthday....they created space vehicles for their "eggs"tronauts and hoped they'd survive the crash landing. Launched Alka-Seltzer rockets made out of film canisters.....and mostly ate a ton of alien green cake. Shown with Hannah in the middle and a friend.

No more children for me...today, my baby turned thirteen. Which is probably a good thing since I'm now fifty-one.

Let's see....we've done Cowboy, Fireman, Gattitown, Disneyworld (princesses at the breakfast ate him up...yep, he loved it), Outer Space, Pirate.....

Butt watchin'

2010-01-26T07:10:00.001-08:00

It doesn't look so bad from this angle but it's about thirteen inches from haunch to haunch and that's not good. Poor Sam, all those sad eye treat looks have caught up with ya.

Miss Puppa puts the b in the female canine. She may be smaller but she's definitely the alpha dog.

Each morning, I get to watch two butts hopefully shrinking. No, one is not mine that I watch but I do hope it starts to wither away like other parts of my body that are so inclined. These are the not so tiny hinies I am keepin a gander on.Sam, part Doberman, part either Shepherd or Coon Dog, all big baby weighed in at a massive 93.3 lbs and has those love handles going on. Puppa aka Puppaccino, is no slouch herself at 79 lbs. STILL, I outweigh them! But when they see a squirrel and I don't get my ballast to the ground, I am not too steady on my peds. So, join me, will you, as their posteriors head in a more pleasing direction.

This morning jaunt that I plan to continue even though our fence is now up and almost complete, has other benefits besides burning calories and building muscle mass: my brain feels better. I know that it's been hinted at before but go figure, exercise really can lift the spirits. Dang it! Why can't sittin' at my computer, trollin' the blogs and eating Brownie Nut Fudge ice cream do the same? I'd be the most fit person outside of Jack Lalane you've ever seen!

More pleasin' view of the pups.

Trollin around and found this cutie!

2010-01-18T17:55:00.001-08:00

This is a post from the Malone family. I know that alone, none of us can just send this family the money they need to go and save this precious little girl. So, here's my idea......

They have a blog:

http://www.themalonefamily.us/ (Don't know why on my posting page, the linky-loo looks like it works just fine but doesn't show up on the published post.)

and I was just thinkin'...how about we send $20 or some amount thereabouts, as thanksgiving for our child(ren) who will never, ever know what it is like to be moved from a Baby House orphanage where they experience love only to be dumped into a mental institution. Then, challenge your family and friends to do the same.

From the Malones:

We have had our boys (Matthew & Micah) home since March 2009. God has begun a new journey in our lives to bring home Ruslana.

Ruslana was due to be transferred from the orphan baby home to a mental institution (she has Down syndrome) several months ago, but another family had stepped forward to bring her home. For various reasons, they returned the United States without her in early December of this year. Because they had already held her in the baby home longer than they should have, they made plans to move her immediately. December 7, we answered God's call to go get her and bring her home.

If you have followed our family's journey this year, you know that Micah was adopted from a mental institution and the difficult process that was (since we were the first family to do that in the region he was in). You also know the terrible conditions he was living in. We are still reaping the emotional damage it caused him. We were preparing to do the same for Ruslana. We would have been the first to adopt from the institution she was going to be transferred to.

On Tuesday morning, December 8, we were sent word that the baby home had made a way for Ruslana to stay in the baby home IF we could get our paperwork submitted by February 1 (when the country's adoption office reopens). If not, she would be transferred.

We began praising God! He had answered our first prayer (in a matter of hours really). The enormity of this task has begun to sink in and we need help. First of all, we need your PRAYERS that our mighty God will direct us and help us get our paperwork completed and submitted on time. It's a matter of life and death for Ruslana. Secondly, we need you to PRAY for God to move financially. We thought He did miracles last time (and He did). But this time, we have SEVEN WEEKS to raise the funds ($25,000) to rescue this precious baby. God can do it. Please PRAY.

Poor you...hubby got me a great camera lens

2010-01-09T09:55:00.000-08:00

Wow, they are so beautiful!

This pair is nesting down the road from my house.

This is not styrafoam...it's some kind of ice creation coming out of the base of these wild flower stalks.

Good news/Bad news Isn't that always the way?

2010-01-08T14:54:00.001-08:00

Family photo taken December 2001
My brothers Billy and Lorne in back
Daddy, Becky, Sue, and Mother
I'm in the front. In the original, Lorne wasn't born and I was sitting on Mother's lap...she chose to pass. Hmmmm. Daddy's last Christmas....lung cancer.

I definitely get my spirit from my mom. She's tough.

With Hannah in 1999.
Hannah told her,"Memaw, you're my bestest buddy."

Unless it's bad news/ bad news.

Good news: I got in a whole lot of walking this morning.
Bad news: It's because my spoiled brat dogs escaped from their heated and insulated dog cave and temporary fence.

Good news: I'm wearin' my silk longjohns.
Bad news: I'm in TEXAS and not in New Mexico skiing.

Good news: My mom sounds so much more herself now!
Bad news: She was sick with a stomach virus and decided not to take her medication for A WEEK so she became disoriented. Never, ever, ever discontinue Prednisone cold turkey...very bad mojo.
Worse news: She's a nurse.
Even worse news: They tried to put an alarm on her clothing at the hospital and the charge nurse decided to make a joke,"Is she trying to get away from us?" about my mom. Uhuh...walk away slowly or she will turn the death ray blue eyes on you and all cellular structure in your body will melt. I know, I've confessed to crimes not even thought of to get her to turn down her high beams.
The Worst news: At one o'clock in the morning, she decided,"To hell with these people, I'm going home and packed her stuff, and muttered intelligible words. And then the Trazadone and Ativan kicked in.
Good news: My mom kicks butt! I do fully realize how blessed I am to have her.

A Winter's Eve

2009-12-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

Our little village is a tourist mecca in these here parts. They have something like the world's largest garage sale/whatever sale on the first Saturday of most months except for January and February. The merchants got smart and started something new this year (it actually happened last year but no advertising monies were spent...didn't know about it all, advertising,it pays. So we went, the husband, the daughter and I. This is a town where you have to show a Unicard in restaurants in order to buy beer or wine. We just got beer/wine in the grocery store last year. They sold beer and wine at this thing...like, out in public...and gave wine away in the shops. Which is great for those that like wine. I don't.

There was a community sing along with the high school band, local bands, even little girls singing something about marrying a man with money?! What the heck!? Firepits goin'....even flush toilets on a flatbed, high class I'm talkin'. Moi was even asked to be in a picture buying hot chocolate. Luckily he didn't say to look at the camera but pretend I was buying...what I'd already bought. Because, lately, when I do take pictures...I look like I've hit all the wine carts already. Such as here:

My daughter is way into anime. She thinks she wants to go to Japan to study how to be an anime artist. She's pretty good at free hand stuff. Fortunately, we have a charter high school even in our little village that is for students of the arts. This wacky hat is the Cheshire Cat from the new Alice in Wonderland movie....the eyes glow in the dark. Which can make a mama just about wet herself when they come running down the hall in the dark at her.

Nature gets me

2009-12-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

Just rufflin someone elses feathers besides my own. Once I get a job, these trips will have to slow down. I think I should just go live in a cave and eat berries with the occasional plate of mexican food thrown in. Problem is, even caves would be outrageously priced around here. And while I'm on a rant....all those weekender people put up No Trespassing signs along the river, the creeks, the falls....jerks! Selfish people are rude! They don't own the water. Okay, climbing down off of my soapbox slowly.

Anyone out there know someone who knows someone who lives in Ukraine?

2009-11-30T14:32:00.000-08:00

My sister in law's niece and her husband will be heading to Ukraine this summer for two years for his job. They will have an approximately four month old baby, their first, by that time. She's very family oriented and a devout Catholic. From our experience, the Catholic churches are Eastern Orthodox there and I remember needing a scarf to cover my head. (Plus the babushka that got all over me for taking video-no light or anything at all the amazing icons!) I do believe it will be in the Kyiv area, if not Kyiv itself. Any suggestions for connecting with other expats while they're there?

Which two do you think she'll pick?

2009-11-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

Corey, over here:

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/

is having a fundraiser to try to help Heartline Ministries raise the up to ten thousand dollar donation offered her by an Aggie soon to be graduate...Whoop!...(I think I'm allowed to write that even though I'm a bulldog, grrrrrr) has generously offered towards the purchase of an ambulance.

http://heartlineministries.org/default.aspx
(Thanks Annie and Mary for the linking info)
Hi Heartline Team,

I want to offer a $10,000 match towards the Heartline ambulance. I am so excited about what y’all are doing in the women’s program. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to these women. I love y’all’s unique approach and the way you love the women and serve them. And more than anything I love the women of Haiti and agree that they deserve the best care that can be provided to them!

I graduate from Texas A&M University on December 18th and my Dad offered to get me a car as a grad gift. I have a perfectly good and actually really nice car so I asked instead if I could have the equivalent amount of money to donate to the causes of my choice. My Dad said yes but only if I took time to really pray about where God wanted that money to go and where it would most glorify Him. I have prayed about donating to the purchase of the ambulance for a few weeks now and after reading the last few posts I know this is exactly where God wants this money to go to glorify Him.

I am so excited for all that Heartline is doing right now and can’t wait to continue to follow the journey on the blogs! So, I will match up to $10,000 raised by my graduation date of December 18th when I receive the money. I mean honestly I want to send the check no matter what but I want to motivate others to give also! I so badly want y’all to reach that goal!!! The ambulance is such a necessity and I know God will provide!

love in Him,
Anonymous Graduate from Texas

So, I offered up two prints (8 X 10, matted) of her choice. Maybe someone will like them enough to pay a few bucks. It's all for a worthy cause. So, which two would YOU like the most?

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

#8

#9

#10

#11

#12

#13

#14

#15

You're not watching without me!

2009-11-19T05:16:00.000-08:00

Brenda over at Living With Rad posted a RADdy Hoot
http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/ and Annie at http://onemothersday.blogspot.com/ talked about the funny things our kids say or do. As a regular ol' mama, I decided to share an Alex story. Pardon me if I've already posted this...oldtimers comes early in these parts. It goes like this:

He was about five and a half and it'd been something like eighteen months that we'd had him. Long enough for his new big sister to be "so over him" and not want him to bug her and her cousin Kaley. We had taken our little t.v. with the built in VCR to my parents house so we could put it in one of the extra bedrooms for the kids. Seems Alex really wanted to watch too (or, more likely....really wanted proximity to bug the girls) but they pushed him out of the room. Not fast enough though.

My older brother Billy came around the house laughing so hard he was clutching his stomach. This is the same brother who made my sister Becky and I play roller derby every Friday night when my parents went out...two dinette chairs back to back and let the beating commence....but I digress. Seems little Alex didn't take too kindly to not being included and was at that moment standing outside the window with the remote...turning it on...turning it off...turning it on.... as I peeked in the window, I saw the 6.5 year old and her 7.5 year old cousin banging the side of the t.v., checking the plug, pushing buttons,etc. Seems my son had figured out a logical consequence to administer all on his own. Like I said...smart, scary smart.

And if someone wants to risk some brain cells of their own and try to tutor me on how to put links into the post for other blogs, etc. let me know. PS Caught the black and white kitten too...both at the vets. Gray one hasn't been around in a few days but caught a huge tom cat in the trap...had to let him go as he was thrashing about so much I was afraid he'd hurt himself on the cage. Will try again during the day tho.

Trapped!

2009-11-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

Caught the mama! She's the one looking at the camera in the bottom photo....more white than black versus her kid, more black than white. The other two are not full grown but since she is so small, they look like it.
Now, for the babies....oh,she is spitting mad but willingly with lots of growling and a little hissing, ate canned food off of a fork for me. Hopefully, her kids will come up today and be off with her to the vet in the morning for spaying/neutering and ear notching plus shots. Hopefully, she'll trust me again some day.

Got my H1N1 shot...saw this cartoon and thought I'd share the laugh.

Cake Boss? I think not...

2009-11-13T16:00:00.001-08:00

I think the cupcake skulls may very well be my culinary pinnacle. Tomorrow, I'm throwing my oldest sister a birthday party. She is sixty...that used to seem really old and to some of you, maybe it still does. For some reason, I've chosen to go with a music theme...downloaded lots of music from the 60's (get it?) and some from the 70's when she was in her early twenties. Well, in case you can't tell....her cake is a record. So, Buddy at Cake Boss, have no fear...your business is safe from me.

This is definitely more my speed. Leftover cake...leftover icing....mmmmmm

Well, I guess I'm going to have to start paying her for her image. Waddaya goin to do with a teenager?

Some sunsets are more red, some more orange and these....mo pink and purple.

We don't have any cats. We feed cats (and one possum, one armadillo, the occasional fox, the rare raccoon) and we try to trap cats. Now, I have a resource to turn to...she's going to loan me her cat trap. I've tried before but now I've had the "training in the correct way to trap feral cats" so I'm hopeful. The cat in the middle is the mama, we call her CC...she is tiny. The other two are her babies. Trying to cut off the cat family tree in its paws. After months, I can get within about twenty feet of these guys before they run off. It's killing me! They're meant to be petted and to purr while hanging out in my lap.

There are overachievers even in nature...triple bloom!

Baby, baby....

2009-11-09T18:51:00.000-08:00

My nephew is a photographer. Mainly, he's done shoots with models that have too little on for this blog. Not "nekkid" or anything but barely there beach shots or runway stuff. Anyway, years ago, he did an absolutely beautiful photo of his niece. Now, he's going to be a daddy himself...this is one of the babies he's photographed. Just wanted to share.

7 Things...

2009-11-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

...you may not know about me...

1.) I was born in San Antonio and was kicked out of ballet when I was three. I'm fourth of five kids and my older siblings called me Princess (even buying a plaque to hang from my bedroom door when I was a teen). I had my stomach pumped out three times by the time I was five...once for making a Tidy Bowl beer "wif a head on it", once for drinking ant killer, and for eating a bottle of Bayer Children's aspirin. We had Chinaberry wars that escalated to assaults from the roof (me) and I knew the world was perfect one evening at 7 when I was jumping rope on our front sidewalk, smelling leaves burning and knowing my dad was making spaghetti....ahhh, the life!

2.) My husband and I met at a foosball parlor where my sister and I would beat the snot out of all the guys because she played front very fast and I played back, so slow they couldn't believe it. I stepped on his feet and said I wouldn't get off until he told me his name. (Little did I know that he was so shy that I was asking a lot to get that.) Tomorrow is our 33rd anniversary.

3.) We got married when I was 18 and six weeks and he was nineteen. You may not know this but We.Had.All.Of.The.Answers. Problem was,when our first daughter was born a mere five months later (she was two months preemie,you do the math and no, this woman, I mean girl, didn't realize she was pregnant because she was sick all day, not just in the morning)with Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus meaning without surgery, she would be a paraplegic, all those wonderful answers to life just went out of the window. Amber Diane was projected to live 24 hours and they did not do the surgery. Haha! she lived 13 years and 6 days longer than predicted. She was a privilege to parent and I miss her bear hugs daily.

4.) After having our second daughter,Heather Suzanne, (now 31, she's a gentle, gentle soul, vegetarian, animal savior, who is moving to Oregon in a few weeks The Furthest Away From Me She's Ever Been! with her husband of two years and the only grandkids I'll ever get from them Doobie the dog, Max and Ollie the cats.) we attempted for our third child after an Oopherectomy (removal of a cystic ovary) and ended up with a tubal pregnancy and a complete hysterectomy at 23.

5.) I foster parented for an adoption agency but quit after having to remove a baby from his parents because it was discovered that he was blind and that the frontal lobe of his brain had never developed. While his father sobbed to me about how much he loved having raspberries blown on his tummy, I just knew it was wrong, so wrong for the agency to refuse to let the family keep this child (they had not finalized yet) because he was "defective" and I guess they had a money-back guarantee or something. They placed another newborn boy with them about two weeks later. Got grief? Being a parent of a child with a disability, even at 22, I knew that was wrong, so wrong. He was adopted by a family who had a bio-daughter born with the same issues.

6.) We went to the local CPS office in San Antonio when we decided to adopt and were told that if we wanted to adopt a child who accepted our love or who would love us, these were not the children for us. After experiencing the emotional fallout on our daughter of having a special needs sibling, we opted for a domestic,open adoption and after two failed matches, Hannah Elizabeth came. After going to the CPS office in Austin and hearing the same exact thing, we chose to adopt our son from Ukraine, thereby avoiding all the issues....HA!

7.) I am a book reading, gardening fool who loves animals and will have a Hedgehog again while living in England, surrounding myself with all those lovely accents, all that history (history minor, elementary education major...taught for sixteen years).

Your turn.....

Home,home on the range...

2009-11-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

I like to take photographs, especially of nature. We live in the Texas hill country where for about 11 months out of the year, it's too hot to take pictures. (Just kidding, it's only six months...and I'm not kidding about that.) Right now, things have cooled down considerably so off with the camera I went. This is one of those ways that I try to "take care of the caregiver". Reading is daily, often at least twice a day...murder mysteries or sarcastic novels, the more British they are, the better.

Here are a few of the photos I took today. While sitting quietly and just looking, I spied a small herd of doe crossing the river and then....I watched them play. I mean like tag or chase or something. It was incredible....running around behind the big boulders and jumping at each other....this went on for about fifteen minutes. Wishing I'd had a video camera with me. Amazing!

Well rattle my bones!

2009-10-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

Most of the time when I try to replicate a recipe, it doesn't turn out so well. This time though, these skull cupcakes came out okay. How you do it: after cooling, pull the cupcake paper away from the cupcake on one side and slip in a large marshmallow. Frost over all, place Junior Mints for the eyes, a choc. chip sideways for the nose and the teeth and almond slivers.

The bones for the chocolate cake...ehh, not so much. The bat cupcakes wings and/or the ears kept sliding off: wings = 1/2 a thin mint candy and the ears were an Andes mint cut diagonally.

This might be weird coming from me...

2009-10-27T18:38:00.001-07:00

but, I simply do believe that the vast majority of children adopted from Ukraine do okay. Some do very well. Some are at the other end of the spectrum, like our son. I think that most do okay. I also believe (although this has not been an experience we've gone through, so I'm no expert) that older kids tend to do better. Maybe they for the most part can truly see the difference between what their lives in the orphanage was like and what life in a family can be like.

There is something about this boy's story that really got to me. I tried to ignore him. But,I couldn't. I would have to be a single parent to adopt again and Ukraine wouldn't have me then if I was. So, we're out. But maybe someone who knows someone who knows someone that is almost paper ready...that has older kids or wants to adopt an awesome big brother....you never know, it could be you.

http://bunchesofwhaleys.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Smelling Coffee
I'm at the Starbucks inside a Barnes and Noble. The drunkenly-sweet smell of chocolate cake and the exotic aroma of coffee beans make my mouth water. Hmmm, wish life could always be this easy.

As you can guess, with 12 kids, my life isn't always that easy. Sometimes, it's easy---but, not always.

I've resorted to being here, for example, before I actually try to write on this adoption blog! I'd like to keep this blog going because I'd like to think that someday someone would read it and adopt because of reading it! I've shared about past adopted kids, and about my recent one involving easy and very happy boys.

Now, I'd like to tell you about another adoption--one that hasn't happened yet. I don't know who's doing the adopting--but, I know who's being adopted---it's a 14 year old boy named Andrei. He lives in Odessa, Ukraine in orhpanage number four. He's a great kid. He's one of the ones who doesn't get into trouble. Not only that, but he's really, really handsome. He wants a family---badly.

He started in the orphanage in the 1st grade along with a group of other orphans. ALL of the other kids in his class have been adopted. He's the one who hasn't been chosen from his class. Recently, he asked someone why he was never chosen. There's no answer for that question. He went on to say that, no matter how tired he is, he won't go to sleep st night until he has said a prayer to God asking for his very own family.

That's not all. He went on to ask that person if they would help him find a family.

I'd like to help, too. I have his picture! He's a doll! If you, or anyone you know, might be interested (oh, please, please be interested) please email me at:

manymusic@gmail.com

I'll send you the picture and tell you what I can about adopting him--or some of the other kids there.

You know, I'm going to trust that there will be a day when Andrei will be sitting in America at a Barnes and Noble, feeling like life is easy and---smelling the coffee!

Andrei's days are numbered. I'm pretty sure that once he turns sixteen, he's no longer able to be adopted. The thought that this child has been praying for a family since first grade? Wow, I pray his faith is rewarded. I also get the impression he will be the answer to prayers for a family.

New news

2009-10-22T06:35:00.001-07:00

...it appears I do not have H1N1 as suspected...I have pneumonia. How? Where? Who knows but I now know what it feels like, in a very teeny, tiny insignificant way to be an outcast as at the store (I was allowed to go with mask on and copious amounts of hand sanitizer after in order to pick up some soup and popsicles) people I see two or more times a week became very adept at sideways glancing. My friend said just tell em I'm an MJ impersonator. Nah, really, I wish I'd had a marker that could have said,"Pneumonia...be nice or I will cough on you!" Okay, pity party is commencing in the bedroom. Blessings: I have the wherewithall to get my butt to the doctor, to pay for the chest xray, my meds, and the luxury for right now to wallow in my recovery.

Prayers needed and if you've ever heard of this....

2009-10-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

Sweet,precious Anna

type of diagnosis, please email me about how it was treated at beemommy58@gmail.com

This email is from a lady I used to teach with about another teacher's baby girl:

Not sure how many of you have heard, but the surgery did not go as planned yesterday. The surgeon was expecting to find 10-20% of the intestine to be compromised, but when they opened her up, 3/4 of her intestines leak. It seems that she has lymph nodes in that area, but was born without the vessels to carry the lymph fluid anywhere. So, it just pools into her abdominal cavity. They had to close her up without doing much of anything. Last night was pretty rough. She was uncomfortable and coughing quite a bit, causing further pain. She also started having respiratory issues and is currently on oxygen. She is pretty distended today, but is on Daddy's lap watching a movie at the moment. They are trying to wean her off of morphine. Narcotics are causing her intestines to have a harder time "waking up" causing more bloating. This may be the source of some of her breathing issues. Her lungs just don't have enough room to fully expand. Prayers, prayers, prayers please. Thank you so much for all of your kind notes and love. You all are a blessing to me.

There is no telling....

2009-10-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

This is my son's full,biological sibling who was in the orphanage when he was plus three years. Lena has done very well in bonding, at school with behavior, etc. She has some issues with math but, she could be the poster child for international adoption. Without prompting, she shared with her mom about her best friend in the orphanage being beaten black and blue from head to toe. So, she witnessed abuse but because she was helpful with the younger children, she was a favorite. Dealt with the same breaks in nurturing with her birthmom, the same put them in and take them out of the orphanage when it was convenient for her and yet, she is doing well. I am thrilled to pieces for her and her family. Years after being adopted, her mother shared with me that Lena had watched us dressing Alex to take him away and wondered why we didn't want her. (The birthmother chose to parent the oldest, their half brother, Misha but relinquish her younger two at 11 mos. and 23 mos.) So she felt rejected by two mamas! If only we had known about her and she had been available. But, I'm so happy for her family and for her. According to the book I posted about yesterday, approximately 10% of the children who experience trauma, will have no long lasting effects.

New book just received yesterday and though I'm barely into it, wow, wish I had had this one at the beginning. Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child
From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years by Patty Cogen, MA., EdD. STRONGLY recommend this one for prospective adoptive parents.

I just had a Homer Simpson moment....(picture me hitting my forehead and saying Doh!) Lena has been around horses from the very beginning! Her mom even sold her horse to help finance the adoption. So, she's basically gotten equine therapy from the get-go. Geez, stress makes you stupid!

ACT conference part deux

2009-10-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

There is a place in the Ozark Mountains that "gets it". Ken Huey,PhD. presented a power point and wait for it...a youtube video that I just had to look up when I got home. (Sorry, during his presentation, tears were just flowing because I knew his program was the best chance at "the answer" but also that there is no way in Hades (zip code 66666) where I live, that the funds would arrive. Unless, well the lottery was my retirement plan but maybe I could win enough to do both?

Dr.Huey shared this video to make a point. This gentleman was obviously much larger than the officer and she suspected he was intoxicated. She could have come down on him with threats and penalties but instead she used a diversionary tactic and got the result she wanted. (Personally, I think this man can hold a lot of liquor to do what he did. I couldn't do some of those steps sober!)

When my son was in our local public school, our pedi-psychiatrist participated via phone conferencing and strongly recommended Alex's teachers and staff not use restraining techniques. He gave alternatives to that but it was ignored. My personal opinion is that kids with trauma in their backgrounds tend to escalate rather than deescalate when restrained. Heck, I don't have RAD but if people were laying across me on the floor, two or three at a time, I'd flip out! And, a day with one restraint was rare...they tended with Alex to lead to more. On one date, he was restrained five times by 11 a.m.! Albert Einstein: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Here's maybe some info that might be new to you, it was to me:

4 Sub-Types of Attachment Disorder

Isolated (formerly called Avoidant)
Have no friends and don't care about that
avoid close relationships
think they can take care of themselves and don't need others
avoid touch
can become explosive if touch is forced on them
passive/aggressive (say they'll complete a chore or homework but won't or won't turn it in)
extremely controlling
argue constantly (though may mutter their remarks)

Seldom openly destructive or violent
Seldom invent false tales of abuse

The Evasive (Anxious) Sub-Type

preference for being close to others (Velcro) due to fears of abandonment
extremely superficially charming
unable to keep friends because they don't "get" give and take in relationships
chatter
intrude on adult space
have a chameleon persona depending on who they're with
think no one can accept them for themselves
aren't usually a behavior problem at school
do try to triangulate their teacher against their parents
constant false allegations of abuse
"mom shoppers"
pathological liars extraordinaire
need massive amounts of attention for every illness or injury
extremely passive/aggressive
seldom cruel to children or animals
seldom destructive

The Defiant (formerly called Ambivalent) Sub-Type

openly oppositional, defiant and raging
argue non-stop
cruel to animals and other children
dangerous/destructive behavior
charming with others on the surface in order to take advantage of them
poorly controlled rage
commonly physically and/or sexually abuse other family members
very destructive
set fires or are obsessed with fire
obsessed with gore
more likely to be living in an out of home placement
invent false tales of abuse
many behavior problems at school
one third of these are psychopaths
easiest children to treat in intensive attachment therapy (except the psychopaths)
honest about what they're thinking and feeling

The Psychotic (formerly called Disorganized)

Sub-Type

often have neurological impairment
low average to borderline intelligence
may also have learning disabilities
may have sensory issues
easy to miss this type without a Rorschach Inkblot test
do seem to have a primitive sense of conscience (will apologize but will repeat the behavior)
friends will almost always be 2 to 3 years younger or have some type of issues as well
talk/hum/sing to themselves all day due to overwhelming anxiety
chatter in a random way
involve themselves in dangerous, destructive behavior especially if triggered traumatic memories arise
impulsive to the max
may invent false abuse allegations
one of the other three sub-types will underlie the psychotic
respond well to intensive attachment therapy but only if stabilized on anti-psychotic medication first.

The New and Improved Children Who Shock and Surprise: A Guide to Attachment Disorders by Elizabeth Randolph, MSN,PhD

She also recommends we use two elements: surprise and humor. This book has less than 60 pages,yet it is a goldmine for clear lay-person reading. Don't worry Mike, I'm almost done and it will come back to you, thanks for sharing.

Family Needed....someone who knows someone who knows someone

2009-10-12T12:15:00.001-07:00

Because I know what it is like to be willing to do what's best for my child even if it just sucks eggs big time for me...that if he would have been happier and feeling successful with the respite lady, eventually, I would have become the placing mom. Funny, when we were preparing to adopt our Hannah, I thought,"I wish I could say that were I in her(the birthmom's) position, that I could be selfless enough to do what was in the best interest of the child," and then...there I was. And here these parents are...

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/family-needed/

For the sake of their other children and for this child's sake, they need to place their son with another family (sorry,rehome sounds like the animal shelter to me...just my own personal bias.).

If you feel it necessary to kick them while they're down....just don't go there. Thank goodness, I have not encountered that,"I think it's horrible that you would consider dissolution of your adoption...." I think here we all get it. Maybe you are not considering adopting again but you know someone who is that you could forward this blog to. Regardless, just receiving support can help this family keep their heads above water. This decision has not come lightly....it comes from anguish, gut-wrenching, sobbing and howling reflection. You know, we adoptive parents, dang it, we're going to save the world! What a hard reality to come face to face with the fact that we are not super humans and that our resources may not be enough. Sucks...big ol' rotten eggs, it does.

Oh Geez,,,where's my highlighter?!

2009-10-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

What do you think of when you hear the term P.O.W.? I used to see barbed wire, trenches, a jungle prison, emaciated men with cigarettes dangling from their mouths. Water torture, flogging, feet wrapped in torn strips of cloth. Not anymore, now the image I see is this:

There is a man in Ft.Worth named Mike Groomer. He is the founder of Advocates for Children of Trauma. ACT put on a workshop yesterday and I'm so glad I went. Yesterday, my now IRL friend and I sat along with about 150 other adoptive parents, foster parents, social workers, teachers, etc and listened to this woman: Katharine Leslie, PhD. I think the PhD may stand for: pooped on, been through hell, dammnit, I'm still standing. Not sure. Anyway, she is a developmental psychologist and even with that SHE STILL ADOPTED KIDS OF TRAUMA....AND THEN SHE DID IT AGAIN! We know we are all certifiable and if we weren't before getting on this path, we certainly are now.

One of the things that popped for me was the comment she made about our kids being POWs. We think we're so smart when we take away their bike, restrict them from the phone, no t.v. People, we ain't got nuthin' in our punishment arsenal that can begin to compare to the combat our kids have seen. And...I've...been....doing...this...for...nine...years!

I've got a library of books that social workers would die for. I've stalked, I mean read, blogs, emailed professionals, called the governor (don't our governor have purty hair...wish he had a brain to go under it) but I digress...basically become obsessed that somewhere out there, is the magic place,program,therapy,pill,person that will cure my son. And there is. Don't look at me like I'm crazy....a little slow, yeah. Well, okay, a little crazy too but the person who has the power to "fix" my son is sitting in residential treatment today.

One of the ahha moments came about (and there was a lack of sleep going on so I can't remember exactly where I was or who I was talking to...and I am 51,so sue me) but it occurred to me that my son HAD made great strides in attachment therapy, after months of play therapy, after months of neurological reorganization exercises. Then the comment that bolted out of my mouth was,"It's like he starts to heal and then he is scared to get well and he sabotages his success." Well,duh. Yeah, as long as you're ill, expectations of normal behavior are not expected. There is comfort in the sucky things you're used to because you've been there, done that and that t-shirt fits ya without any surprising bagging or sagging. Kind of like the kids who want to go back to their abusive parents. Cognitively, they know the situation they are in is safer, better, healthier but the hellacious known beats the heck out of the unknown. By the way, that theory and about a buck twenty five will get you a soda out of the machine. This is just my philosophizin' here. But you know, there's a great deal to be said for IRL...cause you actually see faces, expressions, tones. So when I'm talking about my theory and see eyebrows raise, smiles on faces and hear,"Yeah, you're exactly right. He is scared to get well." It hit me....now I have to somehow find out how to help him get himself to the point of being open to hearing that healing is good, a normal life is desirable, and the hardest of all: being tough is not something he has to be to live.

I wish I could have been a social worker yesterday and not a parent. (Not that a would want that job for a New York minute...but I bet this was one of the very few,if any, times they've actually been to a workshop where they forgot their watch...forgot the dead butt syndrome of sitting) It was just so damn therapeutic for me to sit at a table where four out of five of us were parents of radalicious kids and we were being treated to a reality check from One Of Us who is so freakin' funny that I kept forgetting to write notes. But that's okay...she's coming out with DVD's and ha, I got me one of them there books of hers.

I did find her website: www.brandnewdayconsulting.com

Wow

2009-10-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty whipped and I left the notes from the workshop in the car but bet your bottom dollar that come tomorrow, you'll be gettin' an eyeful. Ahhhhh mazing workshop. Wow...I laughed, I cried (well, me and a few other moms but not all of us at the same time...heck, I can't even blame hormones or PMS) I laughed even more. Very therapeutic! Lots of great info. ACT you kick butt! Okay, all the driving has sunk in ....Mary,Muddling through Mayhem...great traveling with ya. I only almost killed us twice, for me, that's a record, a good one. HAHA GOT TO MEET HER IRL...NANNY NANNY BOO BOO. I needed this way more than I've gotten it and will be making contact with other's who get it, a priority.

Watch out Ft.Worth, we be comin'

2009-10-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

http://www.hopeforhealingtrauma.com/

This group is having a conference on Thursday.

Guess who is going with me.....http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/ Because I am so techno-illiterate, I can't seem to get her blog link to come up so just look...it's on the right. We are going to fill her love tank...and hopefully, I can get mine topped off too. It just feels good to have a purpose-driven day coming up that doesn't involve contacting our political heroes.And to visit with four other (at least) parents who know what it is like to have a child in residential or to have had one there.

Mike Groomer is the founder of ACT Advocates for Children of Trauma which is the website above entitled hopeforhealingtrauma...I can't wait to meet him. He has such passion, commitment and energy for working to improve the lives of all of our kids who deal with RAD. I think there should be Radalicious Awards...he would be on the top of my list, and he certainly would not be alone.

Feeling rather emo today....

2009-10-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

My fourteen year old had to translate emo for me....means feeling emotional. Usually, not a good thing...sad, depressed, anxious. Yup, that's me! Now ofcourse, second guessing myself even though I have not a snowball's chance in Hades of turning back the clock or being empowered again.

On the train from Sumy to Kyiv December 2000

4.5 years old September 2001

Kyiv with our translator...back to Ukraine June, 2003

Meeting his sister, Olena, at the orphanage for the first time. Reason we came back. She now lives in France with her parents who adopted her December of 2003

Bath,England on way back from Ukraine with Hannah, our daughter

First Confession, March, 2007

This boy loves/hates Christmas! 2007

Because every once in awhile there needs to be some funny...

2009-09-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

I went to despair.com and made my own posters. Just thought they were too funny. Some days, you just don't want to be motivated...just want to wallow in demotivationland...as long as you stay only long enough to get your passport stamped and don't move in permanently.

Hey teach, gotta hour?!

2009-09-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

For those of you that are having the incredulous teacher talk...I've seen some of it on your blogs," She's so sweet and loving!" "He's always so helpful!" Go to this blog and click on the letter for the teacher of a student with RAD. If I were the least bit tech savvy, I'd be able to have a permanent button on my blog but that's just not in my little tech world right now.

It's on this blog: writingsofastayathomemom.blogspot.com

What a concept!

2009-09-14T06:27:00.001-07:00

Missouri’s juvenile justice system gets props on Primetime

Posted using ShareThis

Ahhhh, tonight I hugged my boy

2009-09-08T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well, after the one stick of sugarless Trident was confiscated from me...I was able to sit with my son for fifteen minutes and hold him, while he cried. Funny story as in weird: Alex had his head shaved. It is a close shave that shows all his nicks and dings. One of the older "clients" told him it was because I'd dropped him on his head too many times when he was a baby. Uhhh,nope. Didn't know him when he was a baby.

First thing he asked me was if I loved him. Oh if only I had a nickel for every time over the years he's asked that. Almost always after he's done something negative. I will love him for all eternity. Period. I may not always have what he needs but the love will always be there.

I did talk to him about this problem he's having with extreme rigidity of his middle digits. (yep, the bird flying) Told him I was extremely disappointed and that the people who were trying to help find him a good place to go to for healing were not happy he was disrespecting their friends at juvie. Hope it sunk in.

Fifteen minutes flies. I'm wondering how long grown ups in the big house get with their family? I did manage to drive away and pull over before breaking down. Lord, this is hard and I need You to be with me on this. A mama is only as happy as her saddest child....too true.

Today, we will have contact...

2009-09-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

First off, trying to take care of myself. Walked for over an hour and made it up the hill even...without falling over...without whining at least not aloud. Trying to refill my tanks and get in better physical condition.

This afternoon, I will actually get to touch my son. For fifteen whole minutes. Prayer warriors, please keep up the prayers that those who are in control will be guided to choose a facility that will prove to be beneficial, healing and positive for Alex. And, that this facility will have a place for him. I don't care how far away it is just that it is a place where healing can take place.

Through the Looking Glass

2009-09-06T18:06:00.001-07:00

You know, that title evokes Alice in Wonderland to me. Today, it was Jeri in IWonderhowwegottothisland. First visit with Alex and detention. Just like in the movies, there he sat behind a window of glass, little vent circle in the middle so we could hear each other. Oh, did I mention that he looks like a POW with his head newly shaved down to the scalp? He said he asked for that. I'm sure he's really going to convince the boot campers he's just one of the guys with his new "do". This week, I get to have a contact visit...for fifteen minutes. Well, that beats the five minutes allowed today. But, he's safe and we're safe. There has to be more than this.

You wanna do what?!

2009-09-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

After scoring off the charts on the MAYSI (Massachusetts inventory to determine if a juvenile is mentally ill), his probation officer said their thinking was to have him committed to Austin State Hospital. Oh hell no! Where he was choked by a substitute staff member? Of course, when you have the police involved, it's not your show anymore.

I've contacted one of the commissioners on the Texas Juvenile Probation Commission whose job is behavioral health and he's now involved in finding an appropriate long term facility that is therapeutic, rather than strictly punitive. Oh my poor boy, handcuffs and shackles again. At least they let him sit with me while his lawyer talked to him. Turned in all the paperwork I've compiled such as resources contacted over the last several years, his history that I add to routinely. I highly recommend this to anyone who might need help via CPS or some other state entity. Both CPS and the Juvenile Probation dept. are speaking with the district attorney so that if he does go into conservatorship with CPS, we would not be hit with filing a RAPR (refusing to accept parental responsibility). The CPS social worker said she'd never, ever seen a family more committed to trying to get services to save their child. That to me is a sad statement. All children deserve to know that they have someone in their corner, fighting to get them all the help they need and deserve.

Alex's eyes when he saw the bruises and swollen areas on my arms was so sad. I am 100% convinced that hitting me was his cry for help. He knows he's having horrible thoughts and needs to be somewhere else. The trip to New York convinced me that we are dealing with something probably even more difficult to treat than RAD. He raged for over five hours, three of those in four point restraints. You know as parents, we shouldn't even know of such things. More importantly though, my son shouldn't.

Today, I know he's safe. I know he's in school at the detention center with a teacher who is truly caring about him. Today, our family can breathe a little. Our daughter is smiling and relaxed. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I'm praying it's healing for my son. Prayer warriors, please be specific in your prayers that the people in power are guided by Him to the facility that will make a dramatic, powerful and positive impact on this child.

Plan B...what it is

2009-09-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

Sobbed and prayed really, really hard this morning after dropping Hannah off that He would guide us to a solution to this hell and that I'd know it. There is a mental health facility for kids on probation but Alex had to commit a crime in Texas.

He did. He was arrested this afternoon for assaulting me. He walked into my bedroom and said,"I am having thoughts that I want to hit you." I tried to de-escalate the situation but he was having none of it. Came at me fists flying. This kid is now 5feet1inches tall and just over a hundred pounds. I'm 5'4" and we will not discuss my weight except to say it's significantly more than his...close to twice his. Before I could restrain him, he did a fair amount of damage. This is the only way I can get him help. I hate that it had to come to this. I hate that my son was in handcuffs again. While I had him restrained, Joe was calling the sheriff's office and Alex told me that he was crazy. Then, he started laughing...Ya'll, I love my son but my love is not enough anymore.

Plan B

2009-09-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

Not sure what plan b is but it's got to be something. Alex went nuts on Tammy, he lasted at her house for about 30 hours. We picked him up. Went the next day to beautiful Ft. Ticonderoga in upstate NY. Little mouthy but mostly okay. We were determined to do what we'd planned to do. Stopped at Lake George for dinner and things going okay. In the parking lot of the restaurant, he started in with the aggressive stuff....I messed up, instead of just walking away because there's traffic and he was obviously agitated, I grabbed his arm to stop him and it was game on.

I was hit on the head from the back seat with his shoe, kicked in the face, slugged with his fist on my head a couple of times, scratched, bitten, and majorly cussed out....for hours. "I wish you would f*cking die so I can have a party and celebrate!" Believe me, he heard some expletives too by this point. Stopped at the little burg of Colonies,NY right outside of Albany and went to the police there. Ready to press charges and just let them take him on. Turns out in NY, he couldn't be charged unless he was 16 or above. Because he threatened to hurt himself, he was tran$ported by ambulance to Albany Medical Center. Hiho,hiho, it's off to ER we go...until 3:30 in the morning and then transported to the psych eval center where after he'd been given 4 mg of Haldol at the ER, he was so wacked out they allowed me to take him by taxi back to our hotel in order to catch our 10 am flight. So, one hour of sleep...then two hours on the second flight.

I'm wrecked...eyes burn from lack of sleep. Going to bed early...wishing I had a tazer or something. Did find out that there is a program via juvenile probation. Now all I have to do is wait for him to hurt me here in Texas.

Today we go

2009-08-28T03:59:00.000-07:00

Up early, couldn't sleep. I've packed for my son. Got him a cheapy MP3 player (things have a way of "breaking" with him so didn't want to spend more than $35 on it.) and uploaded a ton of songs. He'd really like to be a famous singer someday...hope this gives him some practice for that. Today will be taken up with airports and planes, getting into Albany late. First, it will be a day of possible lasts...that makes me sad. I talked to him two days ago about why does he think he's going. He said,"To help me and to give all of us a break." Didn't want him to think he's going away as punishment. Of course, how else would I look at it? Fortunately, he's had plenty of opportunities to talk to Tammy and email her (way too many, but for right now it seems like it's what he needs) and that's help lessen the anxiety somewhat. The excitement though is in high gear. He has mentioned several times,"You know I'm going to be homesick. You know I'll miss you." Seeking out confirmation of the same from me and validation. Lord, that flight out of New York is going to be tough. Almost as tough as walking away from him will be. I'm praying for strength.

Better day but don't waste your money

2009-08-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today was WAY better than yesterday. We had only up to go right? I think Alex emailing and talking to Tammy on the phone has helped lessen his anxiety a bunch. What's that saying, "You're only as happy as your unhappiest child." Too true. I ride the roller coaster right there in the seat next to him.

Different subject:
I like Pixar movies and Disney movies where there's some subtle sarcasm to keep the adults from nodding off. I did not think too much of G Force. Sorry, just not enough to keep me going. When Hannah doesn't burst out laughing....that is not a good sign. She easily gets lost in movies and laughs really loud as if she's unaware of others around her...she probably is and I think that's cool.

He must love me a lot....a whole lot

2009-08-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

***Warning...very bad language in this post****

My son must love me a whole lot. Maybe he realizes that while he slept, I sobbed on the deck for hours railing at God, wondering why it feels so much as if He has ignored every plea,every prayer for years. So, he's working double time to piss me off and make letting him go easier.

He's been alternately very helpful (mowing,loading the dishwasher) and absolutely defiant. Defiant in a way I've never,ever seen before. I'm sure a lot of it is the anxiety over the change. I'm sure right now he's feeling extremely rejected. I know I am but I have other people that I'm coming home to that I know. He's going into the unknown with few details. Again in his short life, new people, new home, new sights, new sounds. This time though he will go with some pieces of home for comfort. This time,he will have the ability to say what he needs and his language will be understood.

He was sitting out on the covered deck,facing the pool and either shooting the finger(s) at me or calling me a fucking bitch or a G.D. (oh he knows me so well....I NEVER EVER use that term)fucking bitch fuck. All this because I insisted that the glass jar that he accidentally, and I believe it was an accident, broke on the kitchen floor be swept up first with the dust pan and whisk broom before using the vacuum. Ofcourse, he had to turn on the vacuum and ignore me. I calmly ate my soup and then shook out all the pieces of glass onto the tile. It's waiting for him still.

I locked him out (Joe and Hannah are gone to the store thank goodness, she has heard and witnessed enough.) because he was trying to get me to engage in a physical battle. He did throw a wooden spoon at me.
Others have had it worse. I took a picture of my sweet son shooting both fingers at me...lovely. Wonder if they have a page for that at Hobby Lobby for his scrapbook?

What he needed was time and space. Boy, no problem giving him that today! After cooling off for about twenty minutes, he came in, silently got out the dustpan and broom and took care of business. Why all this drama over something so insignificant?! But of course, it's not about the shattered glass....it's about his shattered life.

Should I have called the police and let them just take him away? Problem is,they wouldn't have. We'd be starting the whole damn court/probation process all over again. I'd get to watch my son be "booked" again and take him home. They refused to find an RTC for him when he was on probation. We would lose all control again. Should I call MHMR and have them take him to the state hospital again...so one of the workers could choke him again....or another one can threaten him with words of graveyards on the premises? You see, if you don't have insurance that's really good or a butt load of money, your resources are very limited. We have neither.

I feel like I've let my son down by choosing him in the first place. If only he had been adopted by a couple with two parents committed to helping him (that hopefully had really good insurance and that butt load of money) maybe his life would have taken a completely different path. If only he'd had a mom with the patience of a saint, a father who would choose to be the father a son truly needs. I don't know...there are no do-overs but hopefully for him, a second chance.